Month: April 2014

Summer Movie Spotlight 2014

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Summer is coming, and you know what that means…? Hot days! Steamy nights! Exciting mysteries to solve at a haunted beach! Is it a NUDE beach? MAYBE!!! Drop your trunks and find out!

But in between your sexy sleuthing and court appearances for public indecency, you’re going to have some time to kill. Why not spend that time comfortably embraced by the cool, loving arms of your local movie theater? It’s Summer Movie season!!! Blockbusters with loud explosions! Lots of rapid edits to confuse the mind into thinking it’s having fun! Antics! Here, now, a look at the most exciting movies coming up for the summer of 2014:

BattleTrucks 2: The Battling – Rated: PG-13

All your favorite BattleTrucks are back! There’s Crimson Wind! Inferno Blast! HipHop da Ethnically-Voiced!  Gary the Truck! And even that crafty old jalopy, Uncle I’m A Car. They’ve reunited to save the world once again from the villainous DMV Employee of Destruction, who’s trying to bring down society by rejecting ALL requests for novelty license plates. It’s guaranteed to be a truckin’ good time!!! Sorry, we meant to say “a fucking good time.”

Cousin Brothers? – Rated: G (for “good only if totally baked”)

Two cousins (played by Will Ferrel and Daniel Day Lewis) (…is that right…? Daniel Day Lewis is in this…? Really…? Oookay…) discover that they are actually brothers! Complicating matters, they’re BOTH up for a big promotion, because they work at the same law firm for some reason! Talk about sibling rivalry! TALK ABOUT IT. Or we’re not letting you out of the theater. Kate Upton plays Will Ferrel’s mom, because she has a couple of thing going for her that we think will sell a lot of tickets. Yes, we are talking about her boobs! Daniel Day Lewis won a lot of Oscars!!! He was so dope as Forest Gump!

Super Bowl Monday – Rated: Something

It’s up to secret agent John McAmericanName (played by the elderly, melting mass that was once Arnold Schwarzenegger) to stop terrorists from activating a weather machine that will create a thunderstorm SO dangerous, the NFL will have to move the Super Bowl to MONDAY NIGHT. This is a big deal, as the Super Bowl is traditionally played on Sunday, as will be explained in a lengthy pre-credits text crawl and again, halfway through the film, in an animated short done in the style of Schoolhouse Rock.

Itty Bitty Titty Committee – Rated: !

Michael Cera, Zach Braff, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, James Franco, and some other guys you think would be cool to hang out with, but probably aren’t, star as buddies who love those small-ass titties! But when one of their group (Frankie Muniz, in a sensitive turn) falls in love with a girl who has big-ass titties… HIJINKS ENSUE. The psychic pressure that results from his ostracization from his circle of friends is HILARIOUS, as is the heartbreaking feeling of loneliness that eventually consumes and destroys his relationship with the aforementioned big-ass tittied girl (played by an almost unrecognizable Johnny Knoxville).

The Frog Princess – Rated: Just, like, bring your kids or whatever. Nieces. Nephews. It’s fine. The movie’s fine.

We bought a cheap, Ukrainian animated feature about frogs or some shit, and then re-dubbed it with bootleg audio from a screening of Frozen. Despite the fact that you can hear an audience member with a wet, hacking cough throughout the entire film, it’s mostly just like watching Frozen. The final thirty minutes of the movie are just “Let It Go” on a loop.

Jennifer Lawrence Eats an Entire Can of Pringles – Rated: You Perv

JLEaECoP is nothing but America’s sweetheart, J-Law, eating an entire can of CheezUms Pringles over the course of an hour and twenty minutes. We’ve done our market research, and apparently THIS is what people want to see. Thrill as she eats the Pringles one, two, THREE at a time! Marvel as she checks her email on her iPhone! At the hour mark, Jennifer Lawrence appears to doze off… but she doesn’t!!! She was in Hunger Games!!! SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK set the bar!!! IT SET THE FUCKING BAR!!!

Explosion Fighters – Rated: BOOOOOOOM

An elite squad of explosion fighters… fighters that are trained to fight explosions… fight an enormous amount of explosions, while also fighting metaphorical explosions on the home front. These explosions come from car wrecks, refinery fires, infidelities, coal mines where the natural gasses are all backed up, divorce proceedings, space station disasters, martial-based space station disasters, nuclear plant meltdowns, Goddzilla attacks (NOT Godzilla attacks, due to copyright issues), and irreconcilable differences. Topher Grace stars, in a role that will surprise you (he’s Goddzilla).

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Posterized

Jersey Boys

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I have no particular beef with Jersey Boys, the Broadway show OR the upcoming movie. Though I generally enjoy musicals, this is maybe not the one I’m the MOST excited about… I never really felt there needed to be an all-singing, all-dancing version of Goodfellas, and yet here we are… but whatever. People seem to enjoy it. Especially old people. Which is FINE. They need movies too. It can’t all be found-footage horror and Lego-based shenanigans and the sexy supernatural teens that the kids sure seem to like. In the waning years of your life, sometimes you just want to watch a NICE story about some NICE boys from the East Coast escaping a life of crime through the miracle of song. And then you want a hot mug of Ovaltine, some evening news, and then maybe a little bit of fetish porn, because you’re not dead yet, DAMMIT!!!

My only issue with this whole enterprise really is the poster. SO CHEESY. “We’re just doo-wopping undah the streetlights, ma! 1950’s-ing it up, that’s what we’ah doin’!!! I’ve got my hip cocked, so you know I’m the trouble makah!”

Just a huge bowl of melted Velveeta, this poster. But… again… whatever. I’m sure this movie is going to make a lot of people very happy, despite it not containing a carnivorous plant monster with the voice of Levi Stubbs, or a Dolly Parton-run, Texas-based whorehouse, or a bunch of murderous women in prison and slinky flapper gear. But we all want different things from our musicals, I suppose.

As Above, So Below

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This movie looks straight-up terrifying. I’m not going to link to the trailer or anything, because the trailer is maybe a touch too spoiler-y and I don’t want to enable your constant need to ruin surprises for yourself… I mean, maybe THAT is a reason why you’re so unhappy all the time. Ever think about that? You never just sit back and let things happen… you never just ENJOY. “Oooh, let’s look at these set photos from Avengers: Age of Ultron! Maybe I can decipher some plot points from a grainy shot of Robert Downey Jr. drinking a cup of coffee while standing near a car! IS THOR IN THAT CAR OR POSSIBLY DARTH VADER??? Star Wars/Avengers crossover, y’all! NAILED IT!!!”

Anyway, the trailer is out there, if that’s the kind of life you want to lead. You could also just trust me, and trust this weird, monochromatic poster full of upside-down French things and skulls (also presumably French).

Now, I will say that there’s a chance… a CHANCE… that this movie only looks terrifying to me because it appears that the majority of the story takes places in dark, small spaces. I do not like dark, small places. Some would say that I am claustrophobic; I would say that the rest of the world is not claustrophobic ENOUGH. Having lots of space around you is, last time I checked, a good thing. People are always climbing into caves and running around in tunnels and GETTING IN SUBMARINES, oh my god, I would have to dig out parts of my brain with a grapefruit spoon if I ever found myself in a submarine. Fuck that.

Oh, but anyway, this movie is about “urban archeologists” [jerk-off motion] who go exploring for treasure [other hand joins in the jerk-off motion] deep within in the Paris Catacombs [hands stop making jerk-off motion, and instead cover mouth to stifle a girlish scream]. Once they’re all up in that claustrophobic death trap, they get menaced by… I don’t know… Gallic ghosts, or some shit. Who cares. The scary part is the endless miles of catacombs and how once you’re in there… a long, ways away from the surface lights… you’re probably never going to breath fresh air again. You’re going to die, afraid, so very alone, and in the darkest dark you’ve ever known. And no one will ever find you.

Great, I just fear-peed all over my laptop.

Blended

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Well, this is just a mess.

I encourage you click on the poster for a larger version.

Did you click on it? Does it feel like your eyes have been misted with vinegar? Did you get that icepick pain right behind your eyeballs, like you just took too hard a pull of a delicious cherry-flavored Slurpee?

I’m sorry I did that to you. That was mean. But you needed to see what I had seen, and I do not regret sending you out into the path of the sniper’s bullet (metaphorically speaking). Because now you KNOW. You’ve seen some shit, man. Literally, you’ve seen what might be the shittiest poster ever created with limited Photoshop skills and no sense of decency or good taste.

I’ve been forcing this poster on other people, too. I took a giant copy of the poster for Blended, an actual movie that real people spent a lot of money to make, out into the streets. I showed this poster to the masses in an effort to gauge what kind of reaction awaits Blended on its opening day. Herewith, the responses:

“What kind of God would allow something like this to happen?” Harold P., age 37

“I just realized that I have never loved my wife. So many wasted years…” Ezra L., age 76

“I was eating a cheeseburger when you showed me the movie poster for Blended, and now the cheeseburger literally has no taste at all. I can tell that it’s still warm, but the flavor has completely drained away. It actually has taken on a grayish pallor, too. That is very upsetting.” Ellen S., age 17

“If you come near me with that thing again, I will snuff out your life with as little thought or care as I would give to blowing out a candle. You are a monster. THEY… [points at poster, veins distending on neck]… THEY ARE ALL MONSTERS.” Hugh B., age 24

“Drew Barrymore is still ALIVE? No… that’s not possible… this poster is a sick joke, mocking the deceased. You’ve got a LOT of nerve, buddy.” Jenny C., age 45

“I’d probably rent that, but I wouldn’t pay movie theater prices to see it.” Steven D., age 32 [it should be noted that when I approached Steven D., he was wearing nothing but an extremely ill-fitting, faded Strawberry Shortcake babydoll t-shirt and some orthopedic running shoes, and was in the middle of diarrhea-ing into an open dumpster]

Warner Bros., you have my permission to use any of these quotes in any future advertisements for Blended.

Terrible Fan Fiction Loglines

-The men from Duck Dynasty learn a lesson in humility when the ponies from My Little Pony beat them in an epic game of dodgeball.

-Robocop and Johnny 5 from Short Circuit make out for a little bit.

-The cast of Friends is magically transported to Jurassic Park. Chandler gets torn apart by raptors; Phoebe updates her hit song “Smelly Cat” with wacky new verses about dinosaurs.

-What if the cast of L.A. Law was replaced by the Muppet Babies? I’d sure like to see THOSE closing arguments!

-The band Godsmack have quite the eventful brunch. (the restaurant runs out of eggs!)

-As it turns out, all of The Doctors from Dr. Who ALSO survived the plane crash from LOST. Plot Twist: the smoke monster is a Dalek. Or… something…

-All of the Iron Chefs take on all the American Gladiators in an episode of Family Feud co-hosted by Richard Dawson, Louie Anderson, Richard Karn, John O’Hurley, and Steve Harvey. Survey says… HILARIOUS!

-Teenage Mutant Ninja Freaks and Geeks

-Will anyone be able to solve the Mystery of the Haunted Clock Tower? If Encyclopedia Brown and noted character actor William Fichtner have anything to say about it… YES!

-The cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer just bang the shit out of each other for 90 pages, because that’s what you want, right? RIGHT??? Perverts.

Color Me Badd Loves Me

I was listening to some 90’s hip-hop yesterday afternoon, and tweeting about it (like ya do when you’ve been drinking).

This morning, I woke up to a little nugget of internet-based joy:

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Couple of things…

-Color Me Badd are still together? Not to be ageist or anything, but I feel like a group of guys in their late-40’s/early-50’s busting out New Jack dance moves in ill-fitting multicolored suits wouldn’t be all that cute in 2014. I mean… maybe they’ve updated their look by now, I don’t know… but still. Or maybe they’re NOT together, like “still out there performing” (which I think we can all agree would be for the best). Maybe this Twitter account is just how they manage the Color Me Badd brand. The point is, there is still an entity out there that officially and legitimately identifies itself as the 90’s hip-hop group Color Me Badd, and they are present and active on Twitter. That is why the internet is a very strange place.

-There is someone related to the band… an intern, I hope to god, although that brings up a whole host of other horrifying scenarios (WHY DOES COLOR ME BADD NEED AN INTERN IN 2014???)… that is searching around on Twitter for mentions of Color Me Badd, and then favoriting the tweets that contain said mentions. I’m assuming here that they’re ONLY favoriting positive mentions, though who knows what Color Me Badd is all about these days. I would think that, if you’re a group/brand entity like Color Me Badd, you’d have to have a “well, at least they’re still talking about us” mentality… bad press is still press, ya know… and, thus, would favor even the tweets that likened the song stylings of Color Me Badd to a collection of farting buttholes. But maybe not. Ultimately, how they steer the ship of their web presence is entirely up to them and/or the intern (?) that’s running their online affairs.

-It’s probably one of the band members’ kids that’s running their Twitter account. That just occurred to me. Or it’s like a nephew or something. That’s so fucking adorable, I want to stab myself in the eye. Even if that’s not true, it’s the lie I want to believe.

-I find it fucking HYSTERICAL that Color Me Badd favorited a tweet of mine in 2014. Because… why the fuck should THAT be a thing that happens? Why is that our world now? Social media is such a bonkers, complex web of tin cans on strings, I sometimes can’t even fit the idea of it all into my brain. What I’m getting at here is that, this morning, I feel like I’m living in THE FUTURE because a band from the 90’s liked a thing I wrote above the toilet in what is essentially the internet’s bathroom stall. That is my paradox for today.

-Oh, and I guess you can follow me on Twitter if you want. I am @zombieshark on there. Fair warning, though, you’re going to hear a WHOLE LOT more about the Texas Rangers than you probably ever wanted.

Failed Domino’s Pizza Products

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A couple of days ago, Domino’s Pizza announced the launch of a new product, the “Specialty Chicken.” Basically, it is a pizza that uses breaded, fried wads of chicken as its base instead of a standard, bread-style pizza crust. It is, as far as foodstuffs go, soul-shaking in its depravity. This, however, is only the first of a long line of products to actually make its way out of the Domino’s test-kitchens and into the greasy, shameful hands of the consumer. Through various back-channels and secret informants (test-kitchen janitors tired of being paid only in spent pizza crusts), I have obtained the full line of failed products that died so the Specialty Chicken could live. Here, now… my findings:

Failed Domino’s Products

-A large-sized pizza box filled with piping hot, oozing melted mozzarella and nothing else, brought to your door wrapped in a plastic tarp to ensure that grease drippage is kept to a minimum. The tarp is free with your purchase, and is branded with the Domino’s logo. So you never forget. Never, ever forget.

-A thin crust, Supreme pizza is fed to a stray dog, then we bring you the dog and you can either keep it as a cherished family pet, or kill it to get at that delicious, half-digested pizza secreted away like glorious treasure inside its adorable dog belly. Whatever happens, happens. DOMINO’S IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT OCCURS POST-DOG DELIVERY. After our driver walks away, his face ashen with cumulative guilt, it’s all on you.

-A baker’s dozen of our famous chicken poppers are served floating in a pitcher full of boiling hot marinara sauce that you are encouraged to drink in one spectacular, choking guzzle. Fun for parties! The sauce MIGHT burn the flesh clean off the muscle underneath it, but living out the rest of your life as a hideous mass of scar tissue and exposed, sun-bleached bone is a small price to pay for having conquered the “Domino’s Chicken Chug-a-Lug Challenge!” Comes with a side of ranch and a gratis roll of medical gauze.

-A pepperoni pizza, but with, you know, REALLY good pepperoni.

-A deep fried sixer of Budweiser, cans and all, is topped with several ladles-full of ranch dressing, then solemnly placed in a garbage can and never spoken of again. “Why is that even on the menu,” some fresh-faced, new employee will ask, the bill of his Domino’s cap still crisp and unbroken. No one will meet his eye. As he stands there, sweat forming on his upper-lip, the erosion of his soul begins.

-A crudely-drawn picture of a pizza, stapled to a mailer of coupons from Papa Johns.

-A Domino’s delivery boy arrives at your door, nude, weeping, wrapped in a bed sheet, preferably during a rainstorm for maximum dramatic impact. What happens next? That’s between you, the delivery boy, and the roaring fire in your fireplace. And… is that a bearskin rug? You have excellent taste.

-Like our MeatZZa Feast pizza? Then you’ll love it liquified and poured into a thermos… a thermos that’s yours to keep! Perfect for busy workdays, long nights spent hiding in the bushes outside an ex-lover’s home, or for when you’ve just completely given up. Add tequila for the ultimate “last night on Earth” cocktail!

-An industrial-sized sack of unleavened flour is paired with several, large tomatoes, a block of cheese, and a large basket of various, whole vegetables and unprocessed cuts of meat. If you don’t like the way we make our fucking pizzas, then maybe make a pizza your own fucking self. Asshole. That’ll be ONE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS, fuckface. NOW how shitty’s our pizza??? That’s what I thought. Talking smack about Domino’s… better back the fuck up…

-The Big Mac.

Celebrity Halloween – 2014 MTV Movie Awards

Rhianna as…

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…your best friend’s inappropriately sexual mom at a sleepover full of 9th graders.

Jessica Alba as…

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…a time and a place where tube tops are worn without irony and it is perfectly acceptable to leave the house looking like an avant-garde egg.

Bella Thorne as…

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…that moment when you realize that your blind date is an exotic dancer… like, that’s her JOB… and you can’t decide if this is an awesome, adventurous thing, or if she’s going to stab you in the ribcage in the parking lot when she finds out that you have no idea how or where to score cocaine.

Johnny Depp as…

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…an eccentric actor who just realized, amid the shrieks of those that call themselves fans, just how terribly overrated he is. “My god, I’m dressed like a guy who invents steampunk versions of office supplies, and my last handful of movies included Dark Shadows, The Lone Ranger, The Rum Diary, and whatever this techno-garbage Transcendence turns out to be… and… oh shit… I’m doing ANOTHER Pirates of the Caribbean movie…? They’re going to figure it out… they’re all going to figure out that I basically have been doing the same character for a decade, differentiated only by an assortment of comical hats… oh Jesus… oh sweet, merciful Jesus…”

Zac Efron as…

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…the clean-cut, handsome, sexual nightmare that torments evangelical Christian men who are MOST DEFINITELY NOT GAY, why do people always ASSUME that, let’s sing some Bible songs, okay, quickly, PLEASE!!!

Snooki as…

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…the lady from those 1950’s Navy-issued propaganda posters warning sailors on shore leave about the dangers of venereal diseases.

Jared Leto as…

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…your drug dealer trying to capitalize on this whole “Pharrell’s big hat” thing in a desperate, racist bid to shore up some hip-hop clientele.

Grumpy Cat as…

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…the meal ticket for some hipster douchebags who are trying to capitalize on this whole “Pharrell’s big hat” thing in a desperate, racist bid to shore up some ironic web traffic.

Nikki Deloach as…

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…a sentient Orange Julius who’s so excited for prom!

Victoria Justice as…

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…the Faberge Egg your grandma removed from her collection for being “a hussy.”

Zombie Fights Snacks: Japan, Pt. 1

The Japanese have… let’s say… a DIFFERENT idea of what constitutes a “snack.” It’s not a bad thing, of course. To each culture, their own type of crap to jam into their mouths while watching game shows on a Wednesday afternoon. It’s just that, to our westernized, Cheetos-blasted palates, some of the things they choose to lazily munch on are… frankly… disturbing. Even gross. Like… “make you want to yank your tongue out of your mouth with comically oversized pliers.” THAT kind of gross.

But… what if they’re on to something? Is it possible that these unusual snack foods hold some actual taste-tacular value? Could it be that Japanese snack foods are… GOOD? Probably not, as none of them are “cool ranch” flavored, but let’s give a few of them a go anyway, just for grins.

NOTE: All of these snacks were procured through the Skoshbox monthly subscription service, which is a thing that sends you Japanese snacks once a month, via the mail. What a wonderful time to be alive! Take that, people in the 1920’s! The milkman is your ONLY food-based subscription service!

NOTE 2: Some of this might come off as playfully xenaphobic, but I am going to try to not be a dickhole like that. Please know that it’s not my intent to poop on another culture just because they like stuff that’s different from the stuff we Americans like. All ribbing should be considered good-natured!

Dried Fish Jerky Strip: Pickled Plum Flavor

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Well I’m certainly not making it easy on myself, right out of the gate.

Look, I love seafood. The ocean holds within its liquid-y prison a veritable buffet of majestic creatures, the majority of which are amazing when deep fried and dunked in tarter sauce. And let’s not forget about sushi! Raw fish (and fish-adjacent entities) simply served unadorned with only a little rice, yet it’s all so maddeningly complex in the departments of flavor and experience. Art on a plate, or comfort in a greasy, plastic basket… either way, seafood is good stuff.

Unless it is dried. Running seafood through a drying process saps it of its wonderfulness. What you’re left with is… evil. Wrong. Salty, evil, wrong, STUFF that reeks of a harbor at low tide. Go dunk your head in an aquarium and lick the glass (try not to drown, you bunch of knuckleheads). That flavor? That’s what dried fish tastes like, but not near as moist.

BUT… the Japanese people seem to enjoy it. So, in the spirit of boldness, and trying new things, and hoping to generate some content for my website, I ate a thin strip of Dried Fish Jerky. It looked like this:

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That is, of course, the material that Buffalo Bill was making a coat out of at the beginning of the “Goodbye Horses” scene in Silence of the Lambs.

No… wait… that is dried, processed fish, mushed into a strip and cut into a rectangle. Also, notice how it shines? Remember what I said about dried fish being dry?

DRIED FISH IS NOT DRY WHEN YOU COAT IT WITH PICKLED PLUM SLIME.

It is quite not-dry. It is an unholy imitation of moist. So sticky… so gooey… think about the last time you skinned your knee. Remember how the wound got all slick and weird after like a day and a half? This jerky thing feels EXACTLY like that. I know that’s revolting. Talk to the Japanese about it.

Now… how does it taste?

I was hoping that the happy little cartoon dude on the packaging was a good sign. His face seems to say, “Bro, it’s OKAY! This stuff is great! It’s like Marshmallow Peeps, but less sweet and it will get you totally wasted!” Cartoon characters have so rarely led me astray…

After taking a hearty bite of the Dried Fish Jerky, I realize now that his face is one of warning. He’s saying, “Don’t do it, bro! It’s going to make your tongue turn a million years old in twenty seconds like that dude at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.”

Dried Fish Jerky does NOT taste good. It doesn’t even taste kind of okay, whatever, maybe if I was really hungry…

NOOOO… first of all, the texture is sticky and tough, like chewing though a wad of electrical tape or taking a bite out of the neck of a freshly manufactured cyborg. And the flavor… first you taste the fishiness. The OVERWHELMING fishiness. It conjures up one word, and that one word is “bait.” The pickled plum flavor comes at you next, hard and fast, a car on fire barreling down a hill in a terrible action movie about unfortunate snacks. Take the innocent sweet-n’-sourness of a Sour Patch Kid, add some notes of rotted vegetation, a fistful of salt, and turn the whole thing up about ten notches. THAT is what the pickled plum flavor is like. And they use that to coat DRIED FISH. That flavor wouldn’t even be good on a gummi.

I choked about half of it down, frowning all the while, and then let my wife have a go at it. After one, small bite, her only response was a hearty, emphatic, “NOPE,” and then she immediately began filing for divorce.

I had fish-scented burps the remainder of the evening. That night, I dreamed of a sea dragon eating my stomach while a samurai warrior laughed his ass off.

So… not a GREAT start to the “Zombie Fights Snacks: Japan” series. In fact, it kind of made me want to delete this blog entirely and go work in a bank until I hit retirement age. And yet, I shall continue on. Mostly because I’m brave as fuck and adventurous as shit, but also because I already ate everything and I’m going to AT LEAST get some sweet, sweet internet traffic from the experience.

Parts 2 and 3 coming soon!

Bulletpoint Experience: The Taco Bell Waffle Taco

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This morning, I ate a Taco Bell Waffle Taco. It was…

-greasy
-like eating wet meat wrapped in a dish sponge
-probably not actually meat; when I said meat in the last bullet point, I should have said “meat”
-again, greasy
-a little like what I imagine suicide jumpers experience right when their feet leave the building’s ledge
-an unfortunate encounter with corn syrup liberally laced with a synthetic maple flavor that tasted like melted scratch-n-sniff stickers
-the catalyst for several very angry poops
-six weeks at the end of my life just shaved clean off… POOF… GONE
-greasy… that cannot be overstated
-what I ate right before going to work out, because I have no idea what I’m doing; my life is the Crazy Train that Ozzy sang about
-something I’ll probably eat again, because HAHAHA I’M AN ADULT AND CAN LEGALLY DO THAT

Terrible Cocktails

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Selections from my forthcoming terrible manual of cocktail recipes, which has been hastily created to capitalize on the unexpected success of my terrible cookbook

The Sweet/Spicy Sweetback

3oz Gin

7oz Sweet Pickle Juice

2oz Red Hots candies

Gently cuddle the gin and the Red Hots inside a comically large coffee mug. Slowly slap on the sweet pickle juice. Stir with a long, wooden spoon (or a short, wooden leg). Pour over ice. Or don’t. Enjoy. Or don’t.

 

The Cookie-splosion

3 Oreos, crushed

1 pint Tequila

3 more Oreos, crushed

7oz blue food coloring

Combine tequila and food coloring until nauseous. Sprinkle in crushed Oreos, gently stirring, dry heaving occasionally. Taste. Need more cookie? Add more cookie. Too much cookie? May God have mercy on your wretched soul. When thoroughly combined, pour onto couch. Suck on couch cushions like some kind of monster. Tasty, no? Sadly… yes.

 

The [Lawsuit Pending]

Two fingers scotch

Three fingers Coors Light

Several fingers cayenne pepper

One VHS copy Freddy Got Fingered

Combine everything but the hilarious Tom Green vehicle in a blender. Turn on blender. You forgot to put the lid on, didn’t you? Scrape what you can from the walls into a glass ashtray. Put on the uproarious comedy Freddy Got Fingered. (NOTE: if VCR unavailable, time travel to mid-90’s) Sip slowly from the ashtray. Enjoy some deep belly laughs. This is living, ain’t it, m’boy?

 

The Mournful Bachelor

1 bottle champagne

7/5ths white rum

A little baking soda

Fruit Roll-Ups to taste

Combine, via conventional wisdom, everything but the Fruit Roll-Ups in a brown paper sack. You know what? Put the Fruit Roll-Ups in there too. Like it matters. Since Janet left, recipe directions seem so MEANINGLESS, y’ know? Stir vigorously, and with great sorrow. Gently tear open bag. What a mess you’ve made. Just like your marriage. Janet was right to leave. Enjoy with regret.

 

The Glorious Tribute

10oz Goldschlager

2oz Lemon juice

9 dashes black pepper

1 small, green salad

Combine the lemon juice and the black pepper in a small box that has the word “FEAR” written on it in a child-like scrawl. Place the box in a cupboard and forget about it for several days. The following Friday, remove the box and combine it with the salad. Do not eat the salad. Bury it. Ragnathor, the Destroyer of Dimensions will be pleased with your offering. Drink the Goldschlager in celebration. Enjoy… until the winter moon rises. Until it’s time for Him to feed again.

 

The End of Randy

14oz Jack Daniels

1 pack of Marlboro Lite 100’s

2 cassette tapes labeled “Randy’s Boning Mix, Vol 1 & Vol 2,” both of which feature far too many tracks by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

1 Target checkout girl named Donna, or possibly Shayla (depending on availability)

Combine all ingredients in a tiny efficiency apartment on a hot summer night. For a special treat, sprinkle with promises of eternal love and commitment. Enjoy it while it lasts.