Summer is coming, and you know what that means…? Hot days! Steamy nights! Exciting mysteries to solve at a haunted beach! Is it a NUDE beach? MAYBE!!! Drop your trunks and find out!
But in between your sexy sleuthing and court appearances for public indecency, you’re going to have some time to kill. Why not spend that time comfortably embraced by the cool, loving arms of your local movie theater? It’s Summer Movie season!!! Blockbusters with loud explosions! Lots of rapid edits to confuse the mind into thinking it’s having fun! Antics! Here, now, a look at the most exciting movies coming up for the summer of 2014:
BattleTrucks 2: The Battling – Rated: PG-13
All your favorite BattleTrucks are back! There’s Crimson Wind! Inferno Blast! HipHop da Ethnically-Voiced! Gary the Truck! And even that crafty old jalopy, Uncle I’m A Car. They’ve reunited to save the world once again from the villainous DMV Employee of Destruction, who’s trying to bring down society by rejecting ALL requests for novelty license plates. It’s guaranteed to be a truckin’ good time!!! Sorry, we meant to say “a fucking good time.”
Cousin Brothers? – Rated: G (for “good only if totally baked”)
Two cousins (played by Will Ferrel and Daniel Day Lewis) (…is that right…? Daniel Day Lewis is in this…? Really…? Oookay…) discover that they are actually brothers! Complicating matters, they’re BOTH up for a big promotion, because they work at the same law firm for some reason! Talk about sibling rivalry! TALK ABOUT IT. Or we’re not letting you out of the theater. Kate Upton plays Will Ferrel’s mom, because she has a couple of thing going for her that we think will sell a lot of tickets. Yes, we are talking about her boobs! Daniel Day Lewis won a lot of Oscars!!! He was so dope as Forest Gump!
Super Bowl Monday – Rated: Something
It’s up to secret agent John McAmericanName (played by the elderly, melting mass that was once Arnold Schwarzenegger) to stop terrorists from activating a weather machine that will create a thunderstorm SO dangerous, the NFL will have to move the Super Bowl to MONDAY NIGHT. This is a big deal, as the Super Bowl is traditionally played on Sunday, as will be explained in a lengthy pre-credits text crawl and again, halfway through the film, in an animated short done in the style of Schoolhouse Rock.
Itty Bitty Titty Committee – Rated: !
Michael Cera, Zach Braff, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, James Franco, and some other guys you think would be cool to hang out with, but probably aren’t, star as buddies who love those small-ass titties! But when one of their group (Frankie Muniz, in a sensitive turn) falls in love with a girl who has big-ass titties… HIJINKS ENSUE. The psychic pressure that results from his ostracization from his circle of friends is HILARIOUS, as is the heartbreaking feeling of loneliness that eventually consumes and destroys his relationship with the aforementioned big-ass tittied girl (played by an almost unrecognizable Johnny Knoxville).
The Frog Princess – Rated: Just, like, bring your kids or whatever. Nieces. Nephews. It’s fine. The movie’s fine.
We bought a cheap, Ukrainian animated feature about frogs or some shit, and then re-dubbed it with bootleg audio from a screening of Frozen. Despite the fact that you can hear an audience member with a wet, hacking cough throughout the entire film, it’s mostly just like watching Frozen. The final thirty minutes of the movie are just “Let It Go” on a loop.
Jennifer Lawrence Eats an Entire Can of Pringles – Rated: You Perv
JLEaECoP is nothing but America’s sweetheart, J-Law, eating an entire can of CheezUms Pringles over the course of an hour and twenty minutes. We’ve done our market research, and apparently THIS is what people want to see. Thrill as she eats the Pringles one, two, THREE at a time! Marvel as she checks her email on her iPhone! At the hour mark, Jennifer Lawrence appears to doze off… but she doesn’t!!! She was in Hunger Games!!! SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK set the bar!!! IT SET THE FUCKING BAR!!!
Explosion Fighters – Rated: BOOOOOOOM
An elite squad of explosion fighters… fighters that are trained to fight explosions… fight an enormous amount of explosions, while also fighting metaphorical explosions on the home front. These explosions come from car wrecks, refinery fires, infidelities, coal mines where the natural gasses are all backed up, divorce proceedings, space station disasters, martial-based space station disasters, nuclear plant meltdowns, Goddzilla attacks (NOT Godzilla attacks, due to copyright issues), and irreconcilable differences. Topher Grace stars, in a role that will surprise you (he’s Goddzilla).