Month: May 2014

10 Surprising Moments in the New Godzilla Reboot

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-Tender love scene between Bryan Cranston and Mothra

-Informative, though totally unnecessary, animated sequence detailing how a bill becomes a law.

-Big damn Godzilla panties.

-In an amusing cameo, Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt reprise their roles from Twister after Godzilla farts out an F5 tornado. “Here we go again,” they say, directly at the camera.

-Seven minute drum solo.

-Godzilla voiced by Penn Jillette

-Climactic battle is just old footage from a WWF “Hell in a Cell” match featuring Triple H and Cactus Jack.

-The final third of the movie is just people who were displaced by Godzilla’s rampages applying for housing with FEMA representatives.

-A title card in the credits that reads, “Godzilla will be back in Godzilla 2: Havana Nights.”

-A post-credits scene that appears to be hidden camera video of Guillermo del Toro angrily tearing up a Pacific Rim movie poster, then weeping while eating an entire rotisserie chicken.

NOTE: All kidding aside, the new Godzilla reboot is pretty outstanding and you should go see it. Spring for the 3D showing, too; it really jazzes up the spectacle.

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I Can’t Dance: The “Zombie Fights Shark 50th Post Spectacular” Disaster – An Oral History

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On May 7th, 2014, the author of America’s favorite liquor-soaked humor website, Zombie Fights Shark, announced the imminent arrival of a “50th Post Spectacular,” meant to coincide with the publishing of the 50th post on the aforementioned blog. Anticipation was, to say the least, frenzied. It made Beatlemania look like a bunch of kids huffing spray paint behind an Arby’s. However, there was no “50th Post Spectacular” the next day. Or the next. Almost a week went by with nothing. Then, on March 13th, with little fanfare or explanation, a YouTube clip of the semi-popular Genesis music video “I Can’t Dance” was uploaded to Zombie Fights Shark, bearing the post title “Zombie Fights Shark’s 50th Post Spectacular.” It was considered by many ZFS fans to be a slap in the face… a direct affront to the weeks and months (mostly weeks) of loyalty that they had invested in this enterprise. “This is our 50th post celebration? THIS? Phil fucking Collins,” questioned noted ZFS super-fan Todd Schultz. He went on to state that, “We’ve put up with a lot of C-dog’s horseshit and also he stole my wallet one time, but THIS… this takes the fucking taco.”

What had happened? Where had Zombie Fight’s Shark gone so horribly wrong? Today, we uncover the truth. Here now, unedited and uncensored, we present…

I Can’t Dance: The “Zombie Fights Shark 50th Post Spectacular” Disaster – An Oral History

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – Honestly, we were kicking around the idea of having some kind of celebration to mark the 50th post of Zombie Fights Shark as far back as February. We knew it was going to happen, and we knew that by that time post number 50 rolled around… well… we knew ZFS was going to be a big deal.

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – It had to be HUGE. And we were prepared to spare no expense. Dancing girls… blimp fights over a major metropolitan area… we even got word that David Bowie was willing to sing “Happy Birthday” to the website while dressed as Elton John. Point is, we were going to make this “50th Post Spectacular” so off the hook, we wouldn’t be able to even FIND the hook until like years later, when we weren’t even looking for the hook anymore. We’d probably find the hook in a junk drawer or a little-used cupboard. Something like that. SO OFF THE HOOK!

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – They made me follow C-dog around for days and days, taking notes on all his ideas for the “50th Post Spectacular.” It was… well, it nearly broke my spirit. I’m just gonna put that out there. The way he rambled… the far-off look in his eye that spoke to a deep, swirling inner-madness… the constant spray of Cheez-Its crumbs bouncing off my glasses. It was too much. Also, his ideas were TERRIBLE. “Everyone gets free gravy” was one. Another was, “I’ll finally show that son of a bitch Anderson Cooper who’s the REAL hot shot!” He also was pretty insistent on “fistfighting a drunk-ass rodeo clown.” His words. He brought that one up A LOT. I think one time a rodeo clown must have broken his heart… that’s the only reason I can figure that they make him SO angry.

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – We were prepared to move on any idea that C-dog nailed down. The problem was… well… getting him to settle on ANYTHING is a bit of a chore. Board meetings where there’s lunch involved are a nightmare with C-dog. He’ll demand stuff like buffalo wings from Subway, or bacon cheeseburgers with all the trimmings from Panda Express. I mean… how do you deal with a mind that thinks like that? And that’s just for a lunch order! With the “50th Post Spectacular,” it was a hundred times worse. Oh, one time, he wanted a lobster roll from Chuck E. Cheese! He held up a quarterly review for HOURS with that one. I swear, if this job didn’t have such excellent Dental insurance…

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – Boss wants what he wants. That’s all there is to say. Hey man… would you be interested in buying some high-quality crystal meth? Because I’ve got a whole bunch of it in this briefcase… wait a minute… naw, never mind… these is Pop Rocks…

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – By the end of April, the 50th post was rapidly approaching and we were nowhere close to being ready. C-dog was vacillating wildly between a simple look back at some of his favorite posts, and something he kept calling a “Dracula disco” that was to feature several, filmed chainsaw fights and a staged reading of transcripts from The Pat Sajak Show. Presumably there would also be some sort of dancing vampires…? Possibly doing The Hustle…? It was unclear then, and it remains so today.

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – I tried to explain to him that this was going to be on a website, on the internet, and there would be no live component to the “50th Post Spectacular.” He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “what the fuck is ‘the internet?'” Then he ate a Big Mac using his stomach as a plate and as a napkin. I should have quit right then, but… C-dog weirdly has a lot of pull with Ivy League schools. I promised my family I’d get into Brown, and without C-dog’s letter of recommendation, it’s never going to happen. Brown University doesn’t usually accept known felons. (I used to steal cars a bunch; it’s a whole thing)

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – You SURE you don’t want these Pop Rocks? They mad fizzy, yo.

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – Suddenly, the bomb was dropped. He announced that the “50th Post Spectacular” was posting THE NEXT DAY. I could have killed him. If only I had bought that sword I saw online! Look, I’m not ashamed to admit that I wept that day. I openly wept, right there in the lobby of ZFS Co.’s main building. At one point, I even gnashed my teeth at the heavens, and lightly soiled my undergarments in a fit of rage. And then I picked myself up… I dusted myself off… I threw my underwear into a recycling bin full of old magazines (it was the only thing handy)… and I got back to work. That’s just how you have to operate in the business world. No pussies here!

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – The next few days were a whirlwind. I barely had time for sleep! We knew we weren’t going to hit the impossible deadline that C-dog laid down for us, so we focused on making the “50th Post Spectacular” really and truly… well… SPECTACULAR. We gathered up magicians, yodelers, really trashy strippers, the insisted-upon rodeo clowns “who could take a punch,” the Budweiser frogs, a guy who invented a new way to eat soup (elaborate funnel system), former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf… everything and everyone that was on Ms. King’s notes regarding C-dog’s wants and desires for the big event. We had them all at the ready… all C-dog had to do was make up his mind about what he wanted, and then we could knock the “50th Post Spectacular” out of the park.

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – And then C-dog disappeared. No one knew where he was… not Clive, not the board of directors, not even Lil’ Poot.

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – He gave me the slip in a Waffle House parking lot. One minute he was there, trying to jimmy a license plate off an old Chevy Nova, the next minute… gone. Without a doubt the darkest day of my professional career. Can you understand what I’m saying with all these Pop Rocks in my mouth?

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – We were at our wits end. Monday night, the decision was made to just film a little bit of everything and post it to Zombie Fights Shark, along with a note of hearty thanks to all the readers and subscribers ghostwritten by Ms. Sloops. It was an utter failure on our part, but it was our only option. And then Tuesday morning came, bringing with it Phil fucking Collins…

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – The press was on us immediately. The tabloids, the gossip shows, even that little son of a bitch Anderson Cooper… everyone wanted a piece of us. Why, after all the build up… after all the press junkets and promises and grand statements of wonders yet to come… was the “50th Post Spectacular” only a YouTube clip of the music video “I Can’t Dance” by Genesis. I didn’t have the answers. Only C-dog knew.

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – After tracking his credit cards, we found him at a Holiday Inn near the Interstate. C-dog could never resist a free continental breakfast. I had tried explaining to him that it wasn’t FREE, per se, that it was included in the price of the room, but then he’d fly into a rage… look, it doesn’t matter. We had found him. Sure, he was drunk on Seagram’s Jamaican Me Happy wine coolers and eating what appeared to be vegetarian chili out of an old rain boot with his hands, but still…

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – I sobered him up and Ms. Sloops, Mr. Baxter, and that sweet Ms. King got all up in his grill. They were so mad. They wanted answers, and they DID not want to buy any of my crystal meth. Which is good because, as I previously mentioned, it turned out to be Pop Rocks.

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – C-dog said, and I quote, “Oh… yeah… I put that up there because, like, “Sussudio” is a great fucking song and everyone should hear it more.” Yep. Didn’t even know what song it was. When I told him that that had been the “50th Post Spectacular,” he screamed, “WE DID IT,” then promptly fell asleep on a pile of old hotel towels.  And that was that. Here we are, a day later… our company in ruins… our jobs in jeopardy… and does he care? Does C-dog even CARE??? I’m sorry… I can’t do this anymore…

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – Who knows what happens next. All I know is… I just bought that sword, and I’m going to learn how to use it. So I’ll be ready for NEXT TIME this happens. If that next time even ever comes…

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – Hey, did Lil’ Poot mention to you guys if he was single?

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – She asked what? Oh, it’s ON. Tell Ms. King we all going to be at Golden Corral later, if she wants to split a few turns at the Chocolate Wonderfall. What’s that? Oh… C-dog? He’s still out there, man… just blogging and eating stuff out of inappropriate vessels and whatnot. That’s just how he lives. That’s the only way he knows how.

THE END

500+

This afternoon, while doing the dishes and shaking my butt to Deee-Lite’s seminal 90’s dance hit, “Groove is in the Heart” (like ya do), I received a notification from WordPress. It looked like this:

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Zombie Fights Shark has 500 fucking followers! How about that! And… actually…  it’s even more than that, because I’ve received additional notices since the aforementioned BIG DEAL notification stating that the number is rising and rising and RISING. Basically, I will be challenging The Huffington Post and Perez Hilton for blogger supremacy by mid-June.

Or… possibly not.

Because… well… I have a sneaking suspicion that some of these 500+ followers are not actually living, breathing, computer-wielding humans. I have, over the last few weeks, seen a few “followers” sign on to this cuckoo train ride sporting names like NewShoes4Cheap and MiLeYcYrUsEarnFastMoneyNOW and SpamBot3000, which makes me think that some of you handsome visitors may not actually be on the up and up.

Fortunately, however… I do not care! Robots are welcome (so shiny)! Actual people are welcome (provided you’re not dicks)! Zombie Fights Shark is celebrating a motherfucking milestone and… in fact… is about to celebrate ANOTHER motherfucking milestone tomorrow.

That’s right, this 500+ announcement just so happens to be coming the day before Zombie Fights Shark’s 50th post, because sometimes life just lines up like that.  Round-number symmetry, bitches!

So, as a prelude to tomorrow, let me just say… to the subset of the 500+ followers that are sentient beings and have been enjoying my general goofery on ZFS… thanks. Seriously… big, heaping handfuls of thanks. I appreciate your eyes on my words more than is probably legal, depending on the county in which you reside. And to all the spammers and robots out there… hey, what the hell… thanks to y’all too. Fluffing the stats is an American tradition, and I appreciate all that you do to make me look more impressive than reality would otherwise dictate.

And to all of you, robot and human alike, be sure to tune in tomorrow… late-ish in the day, because your C-dog has to work in the morning… for Zombie Fight Shark’s 50th Post Spectactular!!!

Because, make no mistake… It’s all for you! It’s all for you, Damian!!!

In Celebration Of: Maximum Overdrive

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Last night, I watched the movie Maximum Overdrive. Though I had seen it before… it was a late-night staple of my HBO-saturated youth… I hadn’t actually sat down and watched it in well over a decade. Watching it again after so long was, in a word, GLORIOUS. Herewith, a celebration of the wonderful garbage that is Maximum Overdrive:

Maximum Overdrive is a movie about machines of all types… electric carving knives, video games, ATMs, (most prominently) cars and trucks, etc… that come murderously alive. Why? A low-flying comet, because why the fuck not? What do YOU know about comets? Not much? Me either. Maybe if they fly close to Earth, they make machines try to kill us. Who knows??? Space science is a mystery and, as far as I know, has never been studied by humans. Anyway, for eight days, Earth is in the “tail” of the aforementioned comet, which is signified by some keyed-in green fog that hangs in the sky during all the night scenes. This green fog/comet tail/mid-80’s budget SFX, it is implied, is what has made everything go cuckoo bananas. It is the actual villain of the movie. I say again: The actual villain of Maximum Overdrive is this.

-If nothing else, having comet farts be your movie’s bad guy is for sure a bold stroke of originality. Most horror films in the 80’s went with a masked slasher movie-style killer, or at least out-an-out aliens (such as in Aliens). This trailblazing streak runs all the way through Maximum Overdrive and its existence is almost certainly due to lots and lots of very high quality cocaine.

-Speaking of cocaine, Maximum Overdrive was written and directed by Stephen King. Stephen King, as you are most likely aware, is a guy who is famous for writing horror novels. You are most likely ALSO aware that writing horror novels and directing big-budget Hollywood movies do not generally involve the same skill-set. Movie producers in the 80’s were not aware of this, apparently. HOWEVER… they were aware that in the 80’s, attaching yourself to the name “Stephen King” was, at least in theory, a license to print money. That is why the movie poster for Maximum Overdrive looks like this:

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And the trailer looks like this:

 

The producers want to make it VERY clear to the general population that this is a Stephen King joint, even if Stephen King, himself, wasn’t totally aware of that fact at this time. King has stated in various books and interviews over the years that the production of Maximum Overdrive dovetailed nicely with the height of cocaine addiction, and that he really had no idea what he was doing behind the camera. Both of those are things that really put a first-time film maker at a disadvantage. I should know; I went to film school.

-If you’re a fan of bad acting, Maximum Overdrive is basically a sloppy, spilling-over, BBQ joint combo platter of lousy performances. And… keep in mind… I mean that in the best possible way. At one end of the spectrum, you’ve got acting so subtle it practically counts as a bout of narcolepsy (Emilo Estevez, looking like a high school quarterback that got a punk rock haircut on a dare, and Laura Harrington, who looks like the 80’s). And on the spectrum’s other end, there’s genre veteran Pat Hingle, who is so cartoonishly villainous, he wouldn’t be out of place tying Dudley Do-Right’s girlfriend to a log in a sawmill. But the undisputed bad acting champ of Maximum Overdrive is Yeardley Smith. All of her dialogue is spoken AT THIS VOLUME and with a Southern accent that makes Paula Deen look like Benedict Cumberbatch. It also just sounds a whole lot like Lisa Simpson, who Smith has been playing on The Simpsons for the past 20 years. That is, of course, no fault of hers or the filmmakers. It’s just really funny to hear Lisa Simpson (or a bizzaro world Southern Lisa Simpson, whatever) shriek about killer trucks. Maximum Overdrive has got layers, is what I’m saying.

-Having pointed out that Stephen King was a coked-out mess of director, and the performances are unilaterally garbage, I feel like to need to say here that, despite all that, Maximum Overdrive is just TONS of fucking fun. Parts of it are just bonkers (a guy gets murdered by a coke machine, which might be my most favorite thing ever captured on film that doesn’t directly involve female nudity), and some parts… like the film’s opening-scene drawbridge disaster… are actually quite spiffily executed. It’s also worth noting that Maximum Overdrive doesn’t shy away from the gore, which I find always enhances movies like this. Fun-bad movies have to have some splatter in them to really connect with ol’ C-dog, and this one does not disappoint in that regard.

-So, if you find yourself in the mood for a ridiculous, trashy, wheels-off movie to watch, drunk, with friends… you could do a lot worse than Maximum Overdrive. And, you can watch it right now, for free, right here on Zombie Fights Shark. Inexplicably, the entire movie is on YouTube at no charge. So… here’s that. YOU’RE WELCOME:

3/3/3 – Fast Food Chains

3/3/3 is a new series on Zombie Fights Shark where we take a look at the top 3, bottom 3, and most overrated 3 entries in a given category. The categories will cover the entire spectrum of pop culture, plus food & beverages, and even simply life itself. Let’s have some highly subjective fun, shall we?

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Top 3 Fast Food Chains

3) Chipotle – Every time I eat at Chipotle, I’m torn between wanting to eat my burrito, and wanting to tenderly hold it in a loving embrace all through the night while some smooth, 90’s R&B plays in the background. It’s real food! For the most part! More real than anything else on this list, that’s for goddamn sure. And it tastes like a party at a Mexican disco where your tongue is the light-up dance floor. Guacamole’s extra? I don’t care if it costs me a kidney and six teeth!!! SLATHER THAT BITCH WITH GUAC, MY FRIEND.

2) McDonalds – Yeah, yeah… they’re evil, and responsible for the fattening up of America, and Ronald McDonald is Satan in giant, red shoes. Whatever. McDonald’s french fries… when they’re fresh out of the fryer, and salted juuuust right… are to the fried potato arts what the Chrysler building is to architecture. Also, you can get a brimming sack of hot carbs for a fistful of loose change, so McDonald’s basically is a hungover drunkard’s Garden of Eden. If they’d let you sleep on the cool-to-the-touch plastic benches inside the restaurant, you nor I would ever leave.

1) Whataburger – I will admit a that there’s a little bit of Southern bias influencing this entry, but also, go to hell, I’m completely right. Whataburger is the fucking best. Their burgers are literally flawless, especially with jalapenos. Adding jalapenos to a Whataburger is like going back in time with a fistful of diamonds, then throwing those diamonds at your past-self right at the conclusion of the best sexual encounter you ever had. It’s EXACTLY the same thing. The hard work of inventing time travel will be soooo worth it just to prove you wrong.

3 Most Overrated Fast Food Chains

3) White Castle – The bump in notoriety that White Castle got from the Harold & Kumar movies was undoubtedly good for their business, but it also unfortunately elevated their fare to mythical status. These are burgers worthy of a movie-long quest, the movie stated. The movie was, as movies are wont to do, exaggerating. White Castle burgers are fine, for what they are: greasy shame-wads. The truth of the matter is that the eating-them part is fine. It’s the aftereffects of eating a large White Castle meal that was excised from the cinematic fantasy. You will be ASHAMED at what comes out of your body, several hours later. You will feel like a sinner. You might need to go live in the woods for a while, and really contemplate your own sense of self. Very unpleasant.

2) Chick-Fil-A – Yes, they have great chicken sandwiches. Yes, they’re run by evangelical Christians, who have an agenda slightly more progressive than the folks who organized the Salem witch trials. Mostly… after all the debate and news stories and think-pieces and protests… I just want them to go away. When I’m jamming cheap, convenience foods into my face, I don’t need to wash it down with a side of political outrage. I just want to line my body with protective layers of blubber, like an arctic seal, thanks. No need to get the Constitution involved.

1) In-N-Out Burger – This is a perfect example of how hype can kill a good thing. In-N-Out puts out a very good fast food burger, and its “secret menu” gimmick is clever and fun to navigate. But it isn’t THE BEST BURGER OF ALL TIME, OMG. It isn’t going to change your life, or anything at all, really. It’s just a very good burger, and people have diminished that by treating the chain like Kanye West treats his musical career. Shut up about In-N-Out for a little while, everybody! Let’s give it a rest, so we can go back to appreciating it again with reasonable expectations! I BLAME THE INTERNET FOR THIS!!

Bottom 3 Fast Food Chains

3) Subway – Subway is the kind of fast food chain where the food doesn’t even look good in the COMMERCIALS. If they can’t even glam that shit up for a national ad campaign, you know it’s going to look like 12 inches of hot, vegetable-heavy barf when you see it in person. Even their basic sandwiches are object lessons in failure. Watery, tasteless veggies… meats that have the slick, synthetic feel of a brand new mousepad… bread that is a good imitation of bread, but isn’t bread, exactly. Plus, much too much mayo, whether you want it or not.

2) Long John Silvers – I reject outright the idea that one can get a fish dinner in a fast food setting. That is not something that should exist, so in my mind, it DOESN’T. What am I even talking about right now? Nothing, I guess, because whatever it was is just a hallucination from a fever dream I once had while fighting off a bout of food poisoning that I got from Long John Silvers. Which really happened to me when I was a teenager, and I’ll never fucking forgive them for it, even though Long John Silvers doesn’t exist.

1) Burger King – I don’t care if you’re flame-grilling your burgers or not. When you’re using the meat from dead homeless people, it doesn’t matter HOW you cook it. Ok, fine… they’re ALLEGEDLY using dead homeless people meat in their burgers, whatever. All I’m saying is that I’ve never been panhandled for change outside of a Burger King, and their burgers are disgusting.