As of a few days ago, it is officially Fall!!! Fall is the best season, hands down… Summer is too sweaty, Winter is too cold and it also has Christmas, which, as an adult, is an endless bummer, and Spring… ugh… too much pressure to go do stuff outside. OOH, IT’S SO NICE OUT, LET’S GIVE A SHIT ABOUT TENNIS. We all know you’d be much happier sitting on the couch shoving fistfuls of dry Frosted Mini-Wheats in your mouth while watching your fourth consecutive episode of Chopped.
But none of that matters now, because it’s FALL! Ooooh yeah… getting crisp and cider-y up in this bitch! So, in the spirit of it being a kick-ass time of year, here’s a bunch of crap you can do to distract yourself from the fact that you will eventually die, as will all your loved ones, because life is just the worst. Enjoy!
10 Tips for Having The Best Fall Ever
-Look at all the pictures in your Facebook news feed of your friends posing with their kids in pumpkin patches. Think about how funny it would be to go pose in a pumpkin patch ironically. Realize that, actually, that would probably be more trouble than it’s worth. Go see if there are any Goldfish crackers left in that seemingly empty bag that’s balled up by the couch.
-Pull out all your sweaters that have been tucked away in your closet since March. Put on a fashion show for your cat. Yell at your cat when he is not appreciative of the dynamite way you rock that cable-knit. Apologize to the the cat for yelling at him, then cry on his belly until he scratches you. Then it’s back to the fashion show!
-Talk shit about Pumpkin Spice Lattes. People get SO MAD when they find out you don’t like them. People get INSULTED, like their grandmother is the one who first came up with idea of dumping nutmeg into some Folgers. Not caring about a thing that people care deeply about is so fucking satisfying, it probably gives you lung cancer.
-Ever been on a hay ride? No? Then go on a hay ride. If there are no hay rides in your area, fill up the back seat of your Ford Focus with loose hay, then pay an old man to drive you around while telling you stories about a haunted scarecrow. NOTE: As with most things in life, hay rides are exponentially more fun if you are gooned on cheap tequila.
-Rake up a big pile of fallen leaves. Jump in the leaves. God, that hurt your back. You are in the autumn of your life now. Pull the pile of leaves over you and drift off into a fitful slumber.
-Thanksgiving is right around the corner, so you should probably eat an entire turkey by yourself just to get warmed up. Cooking the turkey first would probably be the smart way to go, but follow your heart.
-Crochet a scarf. Or, if you don’t know how to do that, fashion a scarf out of tied-together old socks.
-Enjoy some postseason baseball until you start thinking about how the shortstop is 22 years old, and that when YOU were 22, your whole life basically consisted of taking rips off a dirty bong in an efficiency apartment while watching Jackie Chan movies. And this asshole… he’s 22 and playing PROFESSIONAL SPORTS? How dare he. Tweet racist things at him.
-Try to get into some of the new fall TV shows. Get bored. Think to yourself, “I could make better television than THIS.” Swear to yourself that you’re going to start a web series tomorrow morning. The iPhone is basically a high-quality HD video camera, so nothing’s stopping you! FUCK IT, let’s start RIGHT NOW! Wake up hungover with 47 videos on your phone of you singing Wilco songs into a ketchup bottle that you’re pretending is a microphone. Realize in horror that at least half of them have been uploaded to all your social media sites. Spend the remainder of the day sweatily explaining to your coworkers that your “cloud” got hacked by your identical twin, whom you’ve never mentioned before because you’re embarrassed of his alcoholism. Pat yourself on the back for coming up with such an airtight scenario. You’ve earned a Coke, buddy… full-sugar, no diet.
-Don’t forget to set your clocks back an hour for Daylight Savings Time. No joke here. You should just really remember to do that.