ZFS Reboot

An old friend contacted me out of the blue to tell me that he missed reading my writing. It was the middle of the night, and I suspect he might have been drunk, but still… it was a lovely gesture. Made me feel all warm inside. Loved and powerful. STRONG. Like the Christ child ripping his way out of Mary’s womb, ready for battle (I’m not a theologian).

A couple of days later, feeling pretty groovy after a few Apricot La Croix, I took to my Instagram stories and spilled my metaphorical guts re: the current, just-concluded season of American Horror Story and where it ranked in the whole AHS cannon. Not sure anyone particularly enjoyed me clogging up their feeds with a lengthy diatribe about a show not many people watch anymore, but that is not the point. The point is, *I* enjoyed it. Writing about dumb junk felt GOOD.

So, taking my cue from those two events (and the feelings that they stirred up within the rotting coffin I call my soul), I guess I’m going to reboot Zombie Fights Shark yet again. Got to give the people what they want, amiright??? Or least it will be something to distract myself from the fact that the Earth is dying and, sooner rather than later, we will all be consumed by a tornado made of lava. And you can’t FIGHT a tornado made of lava, people! WE DON’T HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY. Sure, the aliens do, but they’re not about to help US. We created the lava tornado, after all.

ANYWAY, we’ll see how this goes. No big promises, no big plans or schemes or whatever. Just going to ease back into that blogging life as if I had never left. Time to flex the creative muscles and get shit FLOWING again.

It has been far too long.

More to come.

Celebrity Halloween – 2015 Academy Awards

NOTE: Click pics to embiggen.

Keira Knightley as…


…your binder in the 90’s, where the lyrics of Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” intertwined with doodles, hastily figured math problems, and a single drop of spilled Boone’s Farm from a sleepover at Becky’s.

Meryl Streep as…


…that moment right after Mom has downed her fourth glass of Moscato, when she loudly proclaims that she’s going to start dressing classy again, like she did in the 70’s, when it was still shocking in certain circles to wear a pantsuit, but goddammit… sorry, don’t tell your father she swore, but GODDAMMIT… she looked GOOD in a pantsuit. Mr. Brodecker in Accounts Receivable certainly noticed. He’s passed away now, god bless him. There’s more wine right? Ah, we’re having fun…. it’s good to have you kids in the house again…

Channing Tatum as…


…the inevitable path from prep schools, to a decent Midwestern university with a healthy fraternity scene, to a job at Dad’s investment banking concern, to twenty years later, when you find yourself on the boards of museums and hospitals, forced to attend gala functions, and wishing you had gotten serious about starting that Dave Matthews cover band, because, who knows, that really could have lead to something BIG.

Naomi Watts as…


…a Pilates instructor whose idea of dressing for a night on the town is to literally dress LIKE the town, specifically the recently-refurbished cobblestone streets in the arts district.

Chrissy Teigen as…


…the star of the USA Up All Night classic, Undercover Boner Cops.

Jared Leto as…


…the guy you took to prom during your “reading and not really understanding a lot of philosophy books” phase, who you learned years later died in a fire at a head shop.

Dakota Johnson as…


…a young actress who just wanted to be in the movies like Mom and Dad, but is now in waaaay over her head and is thinking very seriously about moving out to the desert or something where it’s less likely that people will ask her direct questions about spankings and ball gags.

Ansel Elgort as…


…the main audience for the USA Up All Night classic, Undercover Boner Cops.

Marion Cotillard as…


…one of those really nice pasta strainers from IKEA that you really can’t afford, but… you know… it’s just so European and neat looking! as…


…a forgotten character from Thomas the Tank Engine who was cut due to the lack of opportunities wherein the concepts of scientific hip hop could be worked into the adventures of assorted anthropomorphic trains.

2014: My Year In Lists (Part One)


Holy shit, 2014 is almost over! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? It just started! It was literally January 1st, 2014, like twelve minutes ago. Calenders and clocks are liars, time is the enemy, and I am so scared of getting older that I refuse to look in the mirror anymore because the rapidly aging adult that I see in there makes my soul frown.

But we’re not here to talk about how I am terrified of death! NO! We are here to talk about lists. Specifically, lists of thing that I enjoyed in 2014. Because I have a website and I enjoy making lists! So… over the next few days, I’m going to do just that until I’m finished or get bored with the project. Hopefully it won’t be the latter!

PLEASE NOTE: Not everything in these lists will bear a release date of 2014! As much as I would LIKE to see every movie, and listen to every album, and watch every TV show immediately upon their release, and process them, and rank them accordingly… well, there just aren’t enough hours in the day for me to accomplish all of that. Plus there’s my real job, and also I have to carve out time to be a decent husband, a so-so friend, and a middling-to-lousy family member. I’m only one man! So these lists are going to consist of things that I enjoyed during the calender year of 2014, regardless of when they were actually released, produced, aired, etc. If it makes you feel better, you can think of it as a free-form art project that serves as a commentary on society’s need to rank and categorize everything.

Or just read the damn things and marvel at my excellent taste. Or horrible taste, if you disagree with me. It’s all good! At the end of the day, aren’t we all just looking to be loved and, to a slightly lesser degree, to be presented with a really nice sandwich?

To the first list!

Top Ten TV Things of 2014

Cutthroat Kitchen – It’s fun to watch sweaty, stressed people try to make ravioli with spatulas duct taped to their hands. The secret joy of this show is that its winners usually only have like $80 left after bidding on stupid things to fuck with their fellow contestants. “You won Cutthroat Kitchen; here’s a sack of nickels for your trouble… also, you came across as mean-spirited and desperate on national TV!!! GOOD LUCK SEEKING FUTURE EMPLOYMENT.”

New Girl – The ensemble cast on New Girl is as flawless an entity as you’re going to find on network TV. Collectively, they are a humming engine of jokes, laughs, and timing, all of it in service of actual characters instead of just character types. Particular props to Jake Johnson, who is a shambling slacker comedy ninja, and to Lamorne Morris, who has, over a couple of seasons, turned his character (Winston Bishop) into one of the strangest, sweetest comic creations of 2014.

Buying Alaska – I cannot get enough of this fucking show, mainly because it is like watching people trying to buy real estate on Mars. This show has taught me many things… how people who live in Alaska do NOT care about what they look like on TV, that there are electric toilets that burn up your poop for sanitary and gross reasons, and that Alaskans are INSANE… but mainly, it has reinforced in my mind the fact that I never, ever want to live in Alaska. I like everything not being awful way too much.

American Horror Story: Freak Show – The whole American Horror Story franchise is, by and large, kind of a mixed bag. There is some AMAZING stuff in there, like Kathy Bates’ Emmy-winning turn in AHS: Coven, the big twist about 2/3rds into AHS: Murder House, and the cathartic thrill of watching Adam Levine get murdered in AHS: Asylum. However, with the good, there’s also some massive whiffs… the last two or three episodes of AHS: Coven, where everything just fizzled out into nothingness, being the most notable example. This year’s installment, AHS: Freak Show, while not perfect, has mostly been American Horror Story at it’s best… legitimately scary, darkly funny, and unafraid to swing wildly for the fences (modern songs sung by characters in the 1950’s… WHY THE FUCK NOT). Plus, it features not one but TWO of the most frightening villains ever to grace the small screen; John Carroll Lynch’s psychotic yet misunderstood Twisty the Clown, and Finn Witrock’s just plain psychotic Dandy Mott.

Billy on the Street – Billy Eichner is my screaming, gay spirit animal. If you haven’t basted yourself in the glory of his Taylor Swift-inspired music video, “Glitter & Ribs,” do so now.  You will come back forever changed.

Late Night with Seth Meyers – Jimmy Fallon is a little too enthusiastically giggly, Conan O’Brien has flashes of brilliance but always seems like he’s trying too hard, Letterman checked out years ago (though he will always be my One True Talk Show Host), and Kimmel is… you know… fine. Where it’s at for me, talk show-wise, is Seth Meyers and his comedy nerd heart. Now that the nerves have settled and he’s worked himself into a nice groove, Meyer’s show is my go-to spot for breezy interviews and funny bits.

Bob’s Burgers – There will never be another Simpsons, but… if you put a gun to my head and demand that I choose a show to be its successor… then it has to be Bob’s Burgers. There’s really no other choice. Warm, yet biting. Hysterical, but with an honest emotional core. It presents a broadly funny family who genuinely care about each other, and, more importantly, LIKE each other. It’s that pervasive, familial, “we’re all in this together” spirit that sets Bob’s Burgers apart from every other animated show on TV, including the current incarnation of the big daddy itself, the aforementioned Simpsons. Boasting a murderer’s row of voice talents… everyone from H. Jon Benjamin to Kristin Schall to Bill Hader to even Jon Freakin’ Hamm… doesn’t hurt things, either.

Broad City – The funniest show on TV. Hands down. In lieu of trying to explain to you why that is… because trying to explain why something is funny is pointless and painful for everyone involved… I present you with this clip that was recently released by Broad City for the Holidays and, indirectly, as a teaser for their new season. Either you’ll pick up what they’re putting down, or you won’t. (P.S. we saw Broad City live last month and it was better than anything has ever been ever… just FYI)

Fargo – I certainly didn’t see this one coming, and I don’t think anyone else did either. A “spiritual successor” to the Coen Brothers’ movie of the same name, but not related to the movie (at least not totally). And also it’s a mini-series. Featuring Billy Bob Thornton for some reason. There is no reason that this should have worked. And yet… here we are. Fargo was one of the best things on TV this year, precisely because, in the face of all logic, creator Noah Hawley found a way to make all of these disparate parts cohere into a showcase for his own crackerjack storytelling, but also for a whole slew of award-worthy performances. Thornton, newcomer Allison Tolman, and Martin Freeman (marvelously playing against type) are all just fucking fantastic. Plus, it’s violent as all hell, which is always fun.

TransparentTransparent is a show that stars Jeffery Tambor as the patriarch of a dysfunctional family who, late in life, decides to come out as a transgender woman. Also, it’s only available to people with Amazon Prime, via their streaming service. Those two sentences are the sum total of the information that I had about Transparent before I started watching it. And, I should point out, I only started watching it because my wife wanted me to. I doubt I would have otherwise. What I discovered was, in a word, art. Transparent is a thing of true beauty… an intensely personal work that will feel somehow totally familiar to everyone, despite its highly specific narrative. Achieving that sort of universality in a freshman show is a feat in and of itself; doing so with seemingly little effort, and with a light touch and a wicked sense of humor, to boot, make Transparent an easy lay-up for the best thing I watched on TV in 2014.

BONUS LIST: Top Three TV Things of 2014 I Haven’t Watched

Game of ThronesI have no plans to actually ever watch this… mostly because I tend to dislike anything that falls into the “wizards and shit” category of genre storytelling… but I gather that people are pretty enthusiastic about it. Good for them.

Orange is the New Black – My wife watched it, but I wasn’t involved. I just kind of can’t get myself to the point where I’m like, “Okay, let’s do this.” Which is no reflection on the show itself. It’s me, not you, OitNB.

True Detective – I’m going to watch True Detective, I swear! GET OFF MY ASS ABOUT IT, EVERYBODY!!!

Celebrity Halloween – 2014 Emmys

Click the pics to make them larger.

Julia Roberts as…


…a boring movie star that has doomed us all because she has no idea that her dress has the bubonic plague.

Lena Dunham as…

66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

…an American Girl doll that was rejected due to a lack of interest in her story, which mostly revolved around a group of art school students falling into a K-hole.

Kate Walsh as…


…the Sun’s mean, alcoholic aunt.

Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna as…


…the Emmys’ annual reminder that being famous and wealthy can beat back the ravages of time for only so long, so enjoy it while it lasts, SARAH HYLAND.

Johnny Galecki as…


Eraserhead’s younger brother, Skip, who works in advertising and is also fraught with terrifying hallucinations, but they mostly just involve running out of fair-trade coffee and/or being late for a Crossfit training sesh.

Adam Levine as…


…the son of a senator who is rich enough to convince a judge that running over a homeless man in his Bugatti Roadster while rolling on molly is a matter that can be cleared up with a little community service (that will be carried out in his stead by one of dad’s interns).

Amanda Peet as…


…a high school Salutatorian who misunderstands the dress codes for formal occasions.

Sarah Paulson as…


…the final second before you realize that you’re being eaten alive by a swarm of fire ants.

Julie Bowen as…


…the wife who ruins the Key Party by blowing chardonnay breath and venereal disease statistics in everyone’s face.

Mayim Bialik as…


…that necklace that the old lady from Titanic threw into the ocean, and also the ocean itself, and also an old lady.

I Can’t Dance: The “Zombie Fights Shark 50th Post Spectacular” Disaster – An Oral History


On May 7th, 2014, the author of America’s favorite liquor-soaked humor website, Zombie Fights Shark, announced the imminent arrival of a “50th Post Spectacular,” meant to coincide with the publishing of the 50th post on the aforementioned blog. Anticipation was, to say the least, frenzied. It made Beatlemania look like a bunch of kids huffing spray paint behind an Arby’s. However, there was no “50th Post Spectacular” the next day. Or the next. Almost a week went by with nothing. Then, on March 13th, with little fanfare or explanation, a YouTube clip of the semi-popular Genesis music video “I Can’t Dance” was uploaded to Zombie Fights Shark, bearing the post title “Zombie Fights Shark’s 50th Post Spectacular.” It was considered by many ZFS fans to be a slap in the face… a direct affront to the weeks and months (mostly weeks) of loyalty that they had invested in this enterprise. “This is our 50th post celebration? THIS? Phil fucking Collins,” questioned noted ZFS super-fan Todd Schultz. He went on to state that, “We’ve put up with a lot of C-dog’s horseshit and also he stole my wallet one time, but THIS… this takes the fucking taco.”

What had happened? Where had Zombie Fight’s Shark gone so horribly wrong? Today, we uncover the truth. Here now, unedited and uncensored, we present…

I Can’t Dance: The “Zombie Fights Shark 50th Post Spectacular” Disaster – An Oral History

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – Honestly, we were kicking around the idea of having some kind of celebration to mark the 50th post of Zombie Fights Shark as far back as February. We knew it was going to happen, and we knew that by that time post number 50 rolled around… well… we knew ZFS was going to be a big deal.

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – It had to be HUGE. And we were prepared to spare no expense. Dancing girls… blimp fights over a major metropolitan area… we even got word that David Bowie was willing to sing “Happy Birthday” to the website while dressed as Elton John. Point is, we were going to make this “50th Post Spectacular” so off the hook, we wouldn’t be able to even FIND the hook until like years later, when we weren’t even looking for the hook anymore. We’d probably find the hook in a junk drawer or a little-used cupboard. Something like that. SO OFF THE HOOK!

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – They made me follow C-dog around for days and days, taking notes on all his ideas for the “50th Post Spectacular.” It was… well, it nearly broke my spirit. I’m just gonna put that out there. The way he rambled… the far-off look in his eye that spoke to a deep, swirling inner-madness… the constant spray of Cheez-Its crumbs bouncing off my glasses. It was too much. Also, his ideas were TERRIBLE. “Everyone gets free gravy” was one. Another was, “I’ll finally show that son of a bitch Anderson Cooper who’s the REAL hot shot!” He also was pretty insistent on “fistfighting a drunk-ass rodeo clown.” His words. He brought that one up A LOT. I think one time a rodeo clown must have broken his heart… that’s the only reason I can figure that they make him SO angry.

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – We were prepared to move on any idea that C-dog nailed down. The problem was… well… getting him to settle on ANYTHING is a bit of a chore. Board meetings where there’s lunch involved are a nightmare with C-dog. He’ll demand stuff like buffalo wings from Subway, or bacon cheeseburgers with all the trimmings from Panda Express. I mean… how do you deal with a mind that thinks like that? And that’s just for a lunch order! With the “50th Post Spectacular,” it was a hundred times worse. Oh, one time, he wanted a lobster roll from Chuck E. Cheese! He held up a quarterly review for HOURS with that one. I swear, if this job didn’t have such excellent Dental insurance…

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – Boss wants what he wants. That’s all there is to say. Hey man… would you be interested in buying some high-quality crystal meth? Because I’ve got a whole bunch of it in this briefcase… wait a minute… naw, never mind… these is Pop Rocks…

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – By the end of April, the 50th post was rapidly approaching and we were nowhere close to being ready. C-dog was vacillating wildly between a simple look back at some of his favorite posts, and something he kept calling a “Dracula disco” that was to feature several, filmed chainsaw fights and a staged reading of transcripts from The Pat Sajak Show. Presumably there would also be some sort of dancing vampires…? Possibly doing The Hustle…? It was unclear then, and it remains so today.

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – I tried to explain to him that this was going to be on a website, on the internet, and there would be no live component to the “50th Post Spectacular.” He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “what the fuck is ‘the internet?'” Then he ate a Big Mac using his stomach as a plate and as a napkin. I should have quit right then, but… C-dog weirdly has a lot of pull with Ivy League schools. I promised my family I’d get into Brown, and without C-dog’s letter of recommendation, it’s never going to happen. Brown University doesn’t usually accept known felons. (I used to steal cars a bunch; it’s a whole thing)

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – You SURE you don’t want these Pop Rocks? They mad fizzy, yo.

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – Suddenly, the bomb was dropped. He announced that the “50th Post Spectacular” was posting THE NEXT DAY. I could have killed him. If only I had bought that sword I saw online! Look, I’m not ashamed to admit that I wept that day. I openly wept, right there in the lobby of ZFS Co.’s main building. At one point, I even gnashed my teeth at the heavens, and lightly soiled my undergarments in a fit of rage. And then I picked myself up… I dusted myself off… I threw my underwear into a recycling bin full of old magazines (it was the only thing handy)… and I got back to work. That’s just how you have to operate in the business world. No pussies here!

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – The next few days were a whirlwind. I barely had time for sleep! We knew we weren’t going to hit the impossible deadline that C-dog laid down for us, so we focused on making the “50th Post Spectacular” really and truly… well… SPECTACULAR. We gathered up magicians, yodelers, really trashy strippers, the insisted-upon rodeo clowns “who could take a punch,” the Budweiser frogs, a guy who invented a new way to eat soup (elaborate funnel system), former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf… everything and everyone that was on Ms. King’s notes regarding C-dog’s wants and desires for the big event. We had them all at the ready… all C-dog had to do was make up his mind about what he wanted, and then we could knock the “50th Post Spectacular” out of the park.

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – And then C-dog disappeared. No one knew where he was… not Clive, not the board of directors, not even Lil’ Poot.

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – He gave me the slip in a Waffle House parking lot. One minute he was there, trying to jimmy a license plate off an old Chevy Nova, the next minute… gone. Without a doubt the darkest day of my professional career. Can you understand what I’m saying with all these Pop Rocks in my mouth?

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – We were at our wits end. Monday night, the decision was made to just film a little bit of everything and post it to Zombie Fights Shark, along with a note of hearty thanks to all the readers and subscribers ghostwritten by Ms. Sloops. It was an utter failure on our part, but it was our only option. And then Tuesday morning came, bringing with it Phil fucking Collins…

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – The press was on us immediately. The tabloids, the gossip shows, even that little son of a bitch Anderson Cooper… everyone wanted a piece of us. Why, after all the build up… after all the press junkets and promises and grand statements of wonders yet to come… was the “50th Post Spectacular” only a YouTube clip of the music video “I Can’t Dance” by Genesis. I didn’t have the answers. Only C-dog knew.

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – After tracking his credit cards, we found him at a Holiday Inn near the Interstate. C-dog could never resist a free continental breakfast. I had tried explaining to him that it wasn’t FREE, per se, that it was included in the price of the room, but then he’d fly into a rage… look, it doesn’t matter. We had found him. Sure, he was drunk on Seagram’s Jamaican Me Happy wine coolers and eating what appeared to be vegetarian chili out of an old rain boot with his hands, but still…

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – I sobered him up and Ms. Sloops, Mr. Baxter, and that sweet Ms. King got all up in his grill. They were so mad. They wanted answers, and they DID not want to buy any of my crystal meth. Which is good because, as I previously mentioned, it turned out to be Pop Rocks.

Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – C-dog said, and I quote, “Oh… yeah… I put that up there because, like, “Sussudio” is a great fucking song and everyone should hear it more.” Yep. Didn’t even know what song it was. When I told him that that had been the “50th Post Spectacular,” he screamed, “WE DID IT,” then promptly fell asleep on a pile of old hotel towels.  And that was that. Here we are, a day later… our company in ruins… our jobs in jeopardy… and does he care? Does C-dog even CARE??? I’m sorry… I can’t do this anymore…

Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – Who knows what happens next. All I know is… I just bought that sword, and I’m going to learn how to use it. So I’ll be ready for NEXT TIME this happens. If that next time even ever comes…

Zooey King – Marketing Intern – Hey, did Lil’ Poot mention to you guys if he was single?

Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – She asked what? Oh, it’s ON. Tell Ms. King we all going to be at Golden Corral later, if she wants to split a few turns at the Chocolate Wonderfall. What’s that? Oh… C-dog? He’s still out there, man… just blogging and eating stuff out of inappropriate vessels and whatnot. That’s just how he lives. That’s the only way he knows how.



This afternoon, while doing the dishes and shaking my butt to Deee-Lite’s seminal 90’s dance hit, “Groove is in the Heart” (like ya do), I received a notification from WordPress. It looked like this:


Zombie Fights Shark has 500 fucking followers! How about that! And… actually…  it’s even more than that, because I’ve received additional notices since the aforementioned BIG DEAL notification stating that the number is rising and rising and RISING. Basically, I will be challenging The Huffington Post and Perez Hilton for blogger supremacy by mid-June.

Or… possibly not.

Because… well… I have a sneaking suspicion that some of these 500+ followers are not actually living, breathing, computer-wielding humans. I have, over the last few weeks, seen a few “followers” sign on to this cuckoo train ride sporting names like NewShoes4Cheap and MiLeYcYrUsEarnFastMoneyNOW and SpamBot3000, which makes me think that some of you handsome visitors may not actually be on the up and up.

Fortunately, however… I do not care! Robots are welcome (so shiny)! Actual people are welcome (provided you’re not dicks)! Zombie Fights Shark is celebrating a motherfucking milestone and… in fact… is about to celebrate ANOTHER motherfucking milestone tomorrow.

That’s right, this 500+ announcement just so happens to be coming the day before Zombie Fights Shark’s 50th post, because sometimes life just lines up like that.  Round-number symmetry, bitches!

So, as a prelude to tomorrow, let me just say… to the subset of the 500+ followers that are sentient beings and have been enjoying my general goofery on ZFS… thanks. Seriously… big, heaping handfuls of thanks. I appreciate your eyes on my words more than is probably legal, depending on the county in which you reside. And to all the spammers and robots out there… hey, what the hell… thanks to y’all too. Fluffing the stats is an American tradition, and I appreciate all that you do to make me look more impressive than reality would otherwise dictate.

And to all of you, robot and human alike, be sure to tune in tomorrow… late-ish in the day, because your C-dog has to work in the morning… for Zombie Fight Shark’s 50th Post Spectactular!!!

Because, make no mistake… It’s all for you! It’s all for you, Damian!!!

My Terrible Cosmos


Sunday night, FOX debuted the latest version of Cosmos, a show about space, physics, life, and other junk. This was a real kick in the teeth for me as I had been planning on debuting my OWN version of Cosmos sometime in the next month. Sure, it was going to be on public access, but I really feel that my love and passion for, you know, science and shit would have drawn in an audience of like-minded knowledge-seekers. Also, my show would have contained lots of graphic nudity.

Of course, all of that will have to be scrapped. You’re either first to the top of the mountain, or you’re just the guy getting peed on by the guy at the peak. And Neil deGrasse Tyson is unquestionably peeing directly in my face right now. Again.

However, since I have this website, I suppose I can share with you what you WOULD have seen on my version of Cosmos, had I somehow not been beaten to the punch by a major television network with a massive budget and millions of dollars worth of advertising revenue.

So, with that, please step into my Spaceship of the Imagination Ford Focus of Reasonably Fancy Creativity (trademarked) and explore… OUR FUCKING UNIVERSE.

Things You Would Have Learned From My Own Version of Cosmos

-Pluto was downgraded from “planet” status a few years ago, yet it still shows up at all the Solar System parties like that’s totally an okay thing to do. YES, it always brings a few bags of chips for the snack table, but c’mon. Get a life, Pluto.

-You can gaze upon the Cosmic Calender all you want, but it’s always going to tell you the same thing. Your girlfriend is “late.” Very late. You’re a dad now. Time to finally take that job at the refinery.

-Sure, Galileo was the father of modern astronomy. But did you know that he also smelled like balls? Who’s the father of modern astronomy NOW?

-I would have proved that time travel is totally within the grasp of man, provided that “man” drinks enough trashcan punch to render his consciousness irrelevant. Only THEN can he slip through the wormholes of time, uninhibited by the bounds of reality, at least until his buddy Scooter wrestles him to the ground and takes away his keys.

-The Milky Way is vastly inferior to the Baby Ruth, which has peanuts.

-Stars are really just portals between our plane of existence and Heaven, where everyone that has died can look down upon Earth and watch while you poop.

-Explaining the theory of the Multiverse is hard to do, especially when it needs to be dumbed down for a mass audience, so here’s local comedian Jack “Jack Da Rippah” O’Flaherty with his humorous take on how women love shopping!

-Got a votive candle stuck in its holder? Stick it in the freezer for a half hour! The cold will cause the wax to retract, letting the candle pop right out.

-When you look upwards into the night’s sky, scanning the inky black void for any semblance of life, just know that there is nothing out there and you should probably just stop trying. Also, your pants are horribly out of a fashion, as is your haircut. Has science failed you? No, YOU have failed SCIENCE.

-Uranus is really tired of your shit. OH GROW UP!!!!

My Rejected Pilots

NOTE: Every year, I submit hundreds of pitches to the various networks in an effort to get my grand visions on to your television screens. Do I do this because I want to be TV’s next legendary creative genius, a la Norman Lear and Vince Gilligan? I mean… sure… that would be fine. Mainly, though, I submit these pilots as Step 1 in a 3 Step Plan to become Jon Hamm’s husband. Do you think he’s ALWAYS that handsome, or do you think he has frumpy days? Hmm… Anyway, here are some of my many rejected pilots:

Big Shoes/Little Shoes

A group of circus clowns raise a baby. The baby is not kidnapped! This is not a creepy show. Yes, they teach her the clowning way of life, including clown customs, clown rituals, clown ethics and morals, and sometimes they kill and eat those that will not be missed, but mostly it’s a heartwarming family comedy. One that will haunt your dreams, man.

CSI: Auction Hoarders

A reality show about the forensic science that goes into determining whether or not stuff found in the homes of hoarders is good enough to be sold at auction. The family that runs the CSI: Auction Hoarders business is Italian, argumentative, and they loves to MANGIA!!! That’s Italian for “eat.” Very colorful.

The Girl That Was Good At Solving Murders

Madison Truespirit is a single girl in the city, just trying to make it as the head of a homicide squad that handles the toughest cases imaginable (some involve celebrities, especially during Sweeps). She’s really good at her job, but lousy in the romance department! This can be done as a straight-forward police procedural, or… depending on the network… we can add a lot of simulated sex and basically make it porn. Either way is good with me. Oh, and she talks to ghosts.

Jesus M.D.

Jesus comes back and he’s a doctor now. We can add lots of sex to this one, too, though we might get letters. Any press is good press, am I right? Anyway, he has an angel sidekick that makes wisecracks. Maybe the angel sidekick is animated…? With the voice of RuPaul…? Focus groups will be key.

Jon Hamm and C-dog Cuddle For One Hour

An hour long broadcast of Jon Hamm and I cuddling in various locations. The season finale can be a live episode. I hope he doesn’t mind being the big spoon…

The USA’s Next Greatest Singing Voice

Contestants sing and there’s a panel of judges that tells them that they’re really good or really bad. Also, one of the judges has a gun. So do some of the contestants. A few audience members will also have guns. Dramatic television! We can do a spin-off about what happens once we’re all on Death Row, too. Money in the bank!


Gary is a loner who spends his nights drinking cheap tequila in his efficiency apartment. He cries a lot. One day, after downing an entire bottle of Montezuma, he dies. I can kind of see why this didn’t get picked up. Too edgy. Also, the concept is only good for one episode.

Rub Poop On Yourself For Cash

Self explanatory.

Ten Winter Olympics Sports, Ranked By Watchability


1. Snowboard Cross (Most Watchable)

Six people on snowboards racing down a course of jumps, banks, and hills at top speeds, trying to be the fastest one across the finish line? OH GOD YES. This is a sport where at least two-thirds of the wins are because everyone else crashed in front of you. The potential for carnage is everywhere, and could happen at any time! Last night, I saw a dude fuck up the timing on a bank, go skidding across the track, and essentially chop-block another rider. This sent them BOTH off the course in a tangle of limbs, parkas, and internal bleeding. It was AWESOME. I think they’re both dead. Or maybe not! Who cares! Either way, quality television.

2. Alpine Downhill Skiing

Watching a crazy person bomb down a mountain at 80 miles an hour will never not be entertaining. THEY’RE GOING SO FAST. And doing jumps! And turns that make my stomach flop out my butt! And occasionally they fuck something up, and it’s like watching a car crash but it’s a person, and it’s ALSO his or her hopes and dreams that are crashing. Flailing limbs. Skull bouncing on the ice. Lonesome years wasted on training when they could have been living life to the fullest with their loved ones. Nomnomnom… mmmm…aaaahhhhh… THAT’S GOOD OLYMPICS.

3. Figure Skating

Maybe I’m just a theater dork at heart, but WOW THE DRAMA. The sparkly outfits! The risk of slicing through a partners carotid artery with an ill-timed leg swoop! I also feel like all the skaters have some pretty severe emotional trauma from being raised in the pressure-cooker world of semi-pro figure skating, which is basically like Mean Girls + All My Children on ice, with a thick ladling of YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. So that’s kind of fun to watch, too. One of these days, a skater is going to go COMPLETELY wheels-off and attack a judge with a flying triple lutz to the face. I want to be there when that happens.

4. Curling

Drink five beers, and then tell me that Curling ISN’T the most calming, hypnotic thing you’ve ever watched. It’s like being lulled into your brain’s Phantom Zone by a gentle Ice Wizard telling you about math. Plus, it’s the one sport that everyone watching thinks, “the fuck… I could do this if I wanted to; I could be a goddamn Olympian.” Then you pass out in a puddle of drooled beer, you paragon of athleticism, you.

5. Hockey

Yeah, yeah… Lake Placid… the Miracle on Ice… I’ll grant you that was a good one. However, and I recognize that this is going to be a controversial statement, but Olympic Hockey is kind of boring. It just takes SO LONG to play a game; when I want a fix of the Olympics, I want it to be quick, to-the-point, and preferably containing the opportunity to see someone get horribly maimed. Plus, I can literally watch hockey for like half the year, every year, should I so choose. The matches that determine who gets what medal are usually worth a look-see… high stakes are always good for watchability… but otherwise, PASS.

6. Snowboard Half-Pipe

Lol Shaun White. I usually don’t actively root against US athletes in the Olympics, but I made an exception for him because, by all accounts, he is a fairly epic douchelord. Plus, he looks like the dude that tried to sell me a boosted car stereo during Drivers Ed. That’s not HIS fault, necessarily, but it also doesn’t really help his cause. The Half-Pipe event itself is fine, I guess. They go up, they go down… they spin around a little… maybe flip some, here and there… pretty much it. Eh.

7. Ski Jump

I have a hard time with sports where every athlete appears to do exactly the same thing, but Athlete A is a gold medalist and Athlete B “has to be disappointed with that jump.” THEY WERE FUCKING IDENTICAL!!! I feel like the Ski Jump is rigged, with the winners pre-planned ahead of time, kind of like professional wrestling. Minus the colorful characters and pre-show taunting, of course. Same amount of skin-tight spandex, though.

8. Cross-Country Skiing

Kind of hypnotic, like curling, but also just exhausting to watch. Seeing all the skiers absolutely kill themselves in a grueling test of all their athletic mettle… ugh… it just makes me so tired… stupid jerks… being all sporty… meh, so nappish… Christ, this couch is comfortable…

9. Biathalon

The guns make me wish there were live targets, like… say… whoever doesn’t medal in Cross-Country Skiing is now “the most dangerous game.” I would watch that. I’m not a monster, I swear!

10. Bobsled (Least Watchable)

A complex, intricately technical sport that is like watching a riverbed erode. All the runs are just so same-y same. There needs to be like a ramp in the middle of the course, or like a roller coaster loop. Or maybe half the track can drop off at one point and the bobsledders have to use their weight to tip the sled up on one side, Indiana Jones/mine cart style! I would also not be opposed to the judicious use of landmines. Flame-thrower obstacles? Why not! Big dudes that jump out with chainsaws? Throw ’em in there! Basically, I’d like to see the bobsled event turn into the game show from Running Man.