On May 7th, 2014, the author of America’s favorite liquor-soaked humor website, Zombie Fights Shark, announced the imminent arrival of a “50th Post Spectacular,” meant to coincide with the publishing of the 50th post on the aforementioned blog. Anticipation was, to say the least, frenzied. It made Beatlemania look like a bunch of kids huffing spray paint behind an Arby’s. However, there was no “50th Post Spectacular” the next day. Or the next. Almost a week went by with nothing. Then, on March 13th, with little fanfare or explanation, a YouTube clip of the semi-popular Genesis music video “I Can’t Dance” was uploaded to Zombie Fights Shark, bearing the post title “Zombie Fights Shark’s 50th Post Spectacular.” It was considered by many ZFS fans to be a slap in the face… a direct affront to the weeks and months (mostly weeks) of loyalty that they had invested in this enterprise. “This is our 50th post celebration? THIS? Phil fucking Collins,” questioned noted ZFS super-fan Todd Schultz. He went on to state that, “We’ve put up with a lot of C-dog’s horseshit and also he stole my wallet one time, but THIS… this takes the fucking taco.”
What had happened? Where had Zombie Fight’s Shark gone so horribly wrong? Today, we uncover the truth. Here now, unedited and uncensored, we present…
I Can’t Dance: The “Zombie Fights Shark 50th Post Spectacular” Disaster – An Oral History
Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – Honestly, we were kicking around the idea of having some kind of celebration to mark the 50th post of Zombie Fights Shark as far back as February. We knew it was going to happen, and we knew that by that time post number 50 rolled around… well… we knew ZFS was going to be a big deal.
Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – It had to be HUGE. And we were prepared to spare no expense. Dancing girls… blimp fights over a major metropolitan area… we even got word that David Bowie was willing to sing “Happy Birthday” to the website while dressed as Elton John. Point is, we were going to make this “50th Post Spectacular” so off the hook, we wouldn’t be able to even FIND the hook until like years later, when we weren’t even looking for the hook anymore. We’d probably find the hook in a junk drawer or a little-used cupboard. Something like that. SO OFF THE HOOK!
Zooey King – Marketing Intern – They made me follow C-dog around for days and days, taking notes on all his ideas for the “50th Post Spectacular.” It was… well, it nearly broke my spirit. I’m just gonna put that out there. The way he rambled… the far-off look in his eye that spoke to a deep, swirling inner-madness… the constant spray of Cheez-Its crumbs bouncing off my glasses. It was too much. Also, his ideas were TERRIBLE. “Everyone gets free gravy” was one. Another was, “I’ll finally show that son of a bitch Anderson Cooper who’s the REAL hot shot!” He also was pretty insistent on “fistfighting a drunk-ass rodeo clown.” His words. He brought that one up A LOT. I think one time a rodeo clown must have broken his heart… that’s the only reason I can figure that they make him SO angry.
Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – We were prepared to move on any idea that C-dog nailed down. The problem was… well… getting him to settle on ANYTHING is a bit of a chore. Board meetings where there’s lunch involved are a nightmare with C-dog. He’ll demand stuff like buffalo wings from Subway, or bacon cheeseburgers with all the trimmings from Panda Express. I mean… how do you deal with a mind that thinks like that? And that’s just for a lunch order! With the “50th Post Spectacular,” it was a hundred times worse. Oh, one time, he wanted a lobster roll from Chuck E. Cheese! He held up a quarterly review for HOURS with that one. I swear, if this job didn’t have such excellent Dental insurance…
Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – Boss wants what he wants. That’s all there is to say. Hey man… would you be interested in buying some high-quality crystal meth? Because I’ve got a whole bunch of it in this briefcase… wait a minute… naw, never mind… these is Pop Rocks…
Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – By the end of April, the 50th post was rapidly approaching and we were nowhere close to being ready. C-dog was vacillating wildly between a simple look back at some of his favorite posts, and something he kept calling a “Dracula disco” that was to feature several, filmed chainsaw fights and a staged reading of transcripts from The Pat Sajak Show. Presumably there would also be some sort of dancing vampires…? Possibly doing The Hustle…? It was unclear then, and it remains so today.
Zooey King – Marketing Intern – I tried to explain to him that this was going to be on a website, on the internet, and there would be no live component to the “50th Post Spectacular.” He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “what the fuck is ‘the internet?'” Then he ate a Big Mac using his stomach as a plate and as a napkin. I should have quit right then, but… C-dog weirdly has a lot of pull with Ivy League schools. I promised my family I’d get into Brown, and without C-dog’s letter of recommendation, it’s never going to happen. Brown University doesn’t usually accept known felons. (I used to steal cars a bunch; it’s a whole thing)
Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – You SURE you don’t want these Pop Rocks? They mad fizzy, yo.
Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – Suddenly, the bomb was dropped. He announced that the “50th Post Spectacular” was posting THE NEXT DAY. I could have killed him. If only I had bought that sword I saw online! Look, I’m not ashamed to admit that I wept that day. I openly wept, right there in the lobby of ZFS Co.’s main building. At one point, I even gnashed my teeth at the heavens, and lightly soiled my undergarments in a fit of rage. And then I picked myself up… I dusted myself off… I threw my underwear into a recycling bin full of old magazines (it was the only thing handy)… and I got back to work. That’s just how you have to operate in the business world. No pussies here!
Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – The next few days were a whirlwind. I barely had time for sleep! We knew we weren’t going to hit the impossible deadline that C-dog laid down for us, so we focused on making the “50th Post Spectacular” really and truly… well… SPECTACULAR. We gathered up magicians, yodelers, really trashy strippers, the insisted-upon rodeo clowns “who could take a punch,” the Budweiser frogs, a guy who invented a new way to eat soup (elaborate funnel system), former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf… everything and everyone that was on Ms. King’s notes regarding C-dog’s wants and desires for the big event. We had them all at the ready… all C-dog had to do was make up his mind about what he wanted, and then we could knock the “50th Post Spectacular” out of the park.
Zooey King – Marketing Intern – And then C-dog disappeared. No one knew where he was… not Clive, not the board of directors, not even Lil’ Poot.
Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – He gave me the slip in a Waffle House parking lot. One minute he was there, trying to jimmy a license plate off an old Chevy Nova, the next minute… gone. Without a doubt the darkest day of my professional career. Can you understand what I’m saying with all these Pop Rocks in my mouth?
Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – We were at our wits end. Monday night, the decision was made to just film a little bit of everything and post it to Zombie Fights Shark, along with a note of hearty thanks to all the readers and subscribers ghostwritten by Ms. Sloops. It was an utter failure on our part, but it was our only option. And then Tuesday morning came, bringing with it Phil fucking Collins…
Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – The press was on us immediately. The tabloids, the gossip shows, even that little son of a bitch Anderson Cooper… everyone wanted a piece of us. Why, after all the build up… after all the press junkets and promises and grand statements of wonders yet to come… was the “50th Post Spectacular” only a YouTube clip of the music video “I Can’t Dance” by Genesis. I didn’t have the answers. Only C-dog knew.
Zooey King – Marketing Intern – After tracking his credit cards, we found him at a Holiday Inn near the Interstate. C-dog could never resist a free continental breakfast. I had tried explaining to him that it wasn’t FREE, per se, that it was included in the price of the room, but then he’d fly into a rage… look, it doesn’t matter. We had found him. Sure, he was drunk on Seagram’s Jamaican Me Happy wine coolers and eating what appeared to be vegetarian chili out of an old rain boot with his hands, but still…
Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – I sobered him up and Ms. Sloops, Mr. Baxter, and that sweet Ms. King got all up in his grill. They were so mad. They wanted answers, and they DID not want to buy any of my crystal meth. Which is good because, as I previously mentioned, it turned out to be Pop Rocks.
Meryl Sloops – Creative Director, ZFS Co. – C-dog said, and I quote, “Oh… yeah… I put that up there because, like, “Sussudio” is a great fucking song and everyone should hear it more.” Yep. Didn’t even know what song it was. When I told him that that had been the “50th Post Spectacular,” he screamed, “WE DID IT,” then promptly fell asleep on a pile of old hotel towels. And that was that. Here we are, a day later… our company in ruins… our jobs in jeopardy… and does he care? Does C-dog even CARE??? I’m sorry… I can’t do this anymore…
Clive Baxter – CEO, ZFS Co. – Who knows what happens next. All I know is… I just bought that sword, and I’m going to learn how to use it. So I’ll be ready for NEXT TIME this happens. If that next time even ever comes…
Zooey King – Marketing Intern – Hey, did Lil’ Poot mention to you guys if he was single?
Lil’ Poot – C-dog’s Chief of Security – She asked what? Oh, it’s ON. Tell Ms. King we all going to be at Golden Corral later, if she wants to split a few turns at the Chocolate Wonderfall. What’s that? Oh… C-dog? He’s still out there, man… just blogging and eating stuff out of inappropriate vessels and whatnot. That’s just how he lives. That’s the only way he knows how.