boyhood

Uninformed Oscar Picks

Golden Statuette

Up front, I will tell you that I have not seen any of the movies that are nominated for the Academy Awards this year. Well… I did see ONE, but… eh. It counts, but it doesn’t count. More on that later.

Now… this begs the question… why am I writing a post about the Oscars if I haven’t seen any of the movies, and am essentially flying blind with my picks? The simple answer is this: The Oscars are silly, and matter very little in the grand scheme of things, so… really… who cares?

On to my picks! 100% Accuracy guaranteed, in the sense that all of the names of movies and people are all spelled correctly.

Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Laura Dern, Wild
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into The Woods

I was originally going to say “you couldn’t pay me to see Into The Woods,” but that’s really not true. I’d see that for money. Not for like $20 or anything… probably not even for $50. But if you gave me a crisp, $100 bill… yeah, okay… I would sit through a bunch of celebrities pretending to be singing fairy tale jerks. Or whatever. But seriously though, Hollywood… I think we’ve done all we can do with big budget musicals. Les Miserables was kind of the top of that mountain. We all saw it, we all dreamed a collective dream… mostly involving Anne Hathaway’s whole, sad face chewing up emotions and spitting them out as songs… and it was fine. But we’re good now. Actually, personally, I would have been good if we stopped making musical movies after Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, but that’s me. Dolly Parton… if you’re reading this… you are my light… you are my life.

Anyway, my pick is… Emma Stone, maybe? People seem to like her. Let’s go with that.

Best Supporting Actor
Robert Duvall, The Judge
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

I guess I need to get on that Whiplash tip, huh? The previews gave me a real Finding Forrester vibe, but apparently that’s not even close to being the case. Apparently it’s fantastic. I even read one article that said it was the best horror movie of the year, purely in terms of psychological torture. WHA HUH? So… I’m interested. Plus, I like J.K. Simmons anyway from the several thousand character roles he’s had over the years. He’s definitely due some sweet, sweet awards lovin’.

So I’ll say Simmons is going to win. Or Ed Norton. Maybe neither? Maybe there will be a surprise Best Supporting Actor coup. Insurgents will storm the stage, wrestling the trophy from the hands of the presenters, and they will lay it at the feet of Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. To be fair, he WAS the best teenage, mutant, ninja turtle on the big screen this year. So green and youthful and kicky.

YES, I know he’s technically not real. Neither is Mark Ruffalo. You thought The Hulk was the CGI part of his performance in The Avengers? Don’t be naive. Ruffalo is just ones and zeros. We’re through the looking glass, people.

Best Actress
Marion Cotillard, Two Days, One Night
Felicity Jones, The Theory Of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild

Man… two of these ladies, I can’t even picture their faces in my head when I read their names. That’s not a great sign. Rosamund Pike, who are you? And you… Felicity Jones… what’s your deal? I guess they’re both good at acting. Are they the BEST at acting from this year? To be determined.

My money’s on Reese Witherspoon, though. She’s spunky. Remember that movie Freeway? That movie was fucking crazy. Also, she was in Cruel Intentions, which I maintain is the best movie that 1999 had to offer. What won best picture that year? American Beauty? Yeah, ok, good movie, but what would you really rather watch in the long term…? Kevin Spacey getting boners over Mena Suvari, of all people (remember when she was like a thing… weird), or the sexy love triangle of Reese Witherspoon, Ryan Phillipe, and Sarah Michelle Geller?

Not even a contest. So… in conclusion… Cruel Intentions is going to win Best Picture at the Oscars!

Wait, that’s not right…

Best Actor
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory Of Everything

I would first like to state, for the record, that I do not care about Benedict Cumberbatch. At all. Haven’t seen Sherlock. Haven’t seen anything else he’s been in. I think he has a weird face. Very squinty. Kind of looks like he’s a third of the way through a wasting disease at all times. I just don’t see the appeal. But again, I’ve never actually seen him act. So I’m going on some pretty specious, shallow info here. Still though. He looks like an uptight peeled banana.

Moving on… It’s weird to see Steve Carell being serious. I mean, I assume it would be. Like I mentioned, I haven’t seen any of these movies. What am I even doing here??? Hahaha, I could be donating this time to charity. But I’m not going to because I don’t care about anyone or anything. I’m a monster, basically. A monster with a computer. #america

Anyway, my pick for Best Actor is the guy who was Sidney Bristow’s lame reporter friend on Alias, but is now somehow really famous.

Best Director
Alexandro G. Iñárritu, Birdman
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Bennett Miller, Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Morten Tyldum, The Imitation Game

Here’s a thing you probably don’t know about me: For about six months in 2000-2001, I worked as an intern for Richard Linklater’s production company, Detour Filmproduction. Specifically, I worked in the casting office. Doing… stuff. I think I was mostly tasked with going through head shots and making phone calls and… you know… stuff. I was overseen by two people… a man and woman… both of whose names I’ve forgotten… but they were both extremely nice to me, despite the fact that I was pretty terrible at being an intern. Like, I couldn’t even remember to get a receipt when I went on coffee runs. EVER. Not once did I remember to get a receipt. And they were SO cool about it.

I did get to meet Linklater a couple of times. Both times, he smelled the most like weed of any person I had up until that point smelled. Again, very nice. But really dank. And remember… this is in AUSTIN. To be the most weed-smelly person in Austin is a fucking accomplishment.

After about six months, I was told… in a Baskin-Robbins, if my memory serves me correctly… that my services would no longer be needed, and that my internship had come to an end. I kind of shrugged and went back to my full-time job of secretly consuming all of the alcohol that existed and, multitasking, also stockpiling breath mints so my friends wouldn’t know that I was constantly drunk. Ah, to be a man on the cusp of his 20’s! SO ALIVE. SO MUCH WASTED POTENTIAL. WASTED, SO MUCH.

Oh, and Linklater should definitely win Best Director. He has a good handshake. Also, he filmed Boyhood for over a decade. That’s pretty amazing commitment for a guy who’s brain is most assuredly 50% bong resin.

Best Picture
American Sniper
Birdman
Boyhood
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
Selma
The Theory Of Everything
Whiplash

The one nominee… for anything… that I saw this year was The Grand Budapest Hotel. It was cute. Very precious. I mean, I liked it, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to defend it or anything. I definitely feel like there were other movies out there that were of a higher quality. Personally, I thought Guardians of the Galaxy was better. Or at least it was more FUN. But that’s not nominated, so it’s really kind of a moot point. So I guess me having seen The Grand Budapest Hotel counts, but it also doesn’t count because I really could care less if it wins, doesn’t win, has all its available prints put in a rocket and blasted at the moon. Whatever.

I guess let’s go with Boyhood. It’s got the nifty gimmick, plus it’s really “emotional” and “moving,” which are things that people look for in movies. It’s no Cruel Intentions, but hey, they can’t all be golden examples of cinematic perfection.