celebrities

Celebrity Halloween – 2015 Academy Awards

NOTE: Click pics to embiggen.

Keira Knightley as…

CHKeiraKnightley

…your binder in the 90’s, where the lyrics of Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” intertwined with doodles, hastily figured math problems, and a single drop of spilled Boone’s Farm from a sleepover at Becky’s.

Meryl Streep as…

CHMerylStreep

…that moment right after Mom has downed her fourth glass of Moscato, when she loudly proclaims that she’s going to start dressing classy again, like she did in the 70’s, when it was still shocking in certain circles to wear a pantsuit, but goddammit… sorry, don’t tell your father she swore, but GODDAMMIT… she looked GOOD in a pantsuit. Mr. Brodecker in Accounts Receivable certainly noticed. He’s passed away now, god bless him. There’s more wine right? Ah, we’re having fun…. it’s good to have you kids in the house again…

Channing Tatum as…

CHChanningTatum

…the inevitable path from prep schools, to a decent Midwestern university with a healthy fraternity scene, to a job at Dad’s investment banking concern, to twenty years later, when you find yourself on the boards of museums and hospitals, forced to attend gala functions, and wishing you had gotten serious about starting that Dave Matthews cover band, because, who knows, that really could have lead to something BIG.

Naomi Watts as…

CHNaomiWatts

…a Pilates instructor whose idea of dressing for a night on the town is to literally dress LIKE the town, specifically the recently-refurbished cobblestone streets in the arts district.

Chrissy Teigen as…

CHChrissyTeigen

…the star of the USA Up All Night classic, Undercover Boner Cops.

Jared Leto as…

CHJaredLeto

…the guy you took to prom during your “reading and not really understanding a lot of philosophy books” phase, who you learned years later died in a fire at a head shop.

Dakota Johnson as…

CHDakotaJohnson

…a young actress who just wanted to be in the movies like Mom and Dad, but is now in waaaay over her head and is thinking very seriously about moving out to the desert or something where it’s less likely that people will ask her direct questions about spankings and ball gags.

Ansel Elgort as…

CHAnselElgort

…the main audience for the USA Up All Night classic, Undercover Boner Cops.

Marion Cotillard as…

CHMarionCotillard

…one of those really nice pasta strainers from IKEA that you really can’t afford, but… you know… it’s just so European and neat looking!

Will.i.am as…

CHWilliam

…a forgotten character from Thomas the Tank Engine who was cut due to the lack of opportunities wherein the concepts of scientific hip hop could be worked into the adventures of assorted anthropomorphic trains.

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Celebrity Halloween – 2014 Emmys

Click the pics to make them larger.

Julia Roberts as…

Celeb1

…a boring movie star that has doomed us all because she has no idea that her dress has the bubonic plague.

Lena Dunham as…

66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

…an American Girl doll that was rejected due to a lack of interest in her story, which mostly revolved around a group of art school students falling into a K-hole.

Kate Walsh as…

Celeb9

…the Sun’s mean, alcoholic aunt.

Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna as…

Celeb8

…the Emmys’ annual reminder that being famous and wealthy can beat back the ravages of time for only so long, so enjoy it while it lasts, SARAH HYLAND.

Johnny Galecki as…

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Eraserhead’s younger brother, Skip, who works in advertising and is also fraught with terrifying hallucinations, but they mostly just involve running out of fair-trade coffee and/or being late for a Crossfit training sesh.

Adam Levine as…

Celeb6

…the son of a senator who is rich enough to convince a judge that running over a homeless man in his Bugatti Roadster while rolling on molly is a matter that can be cleared up with a little community service (that will be carried out in his stead by one of dad’s interns).

Amanda Peet as…

Celeb10

…a high school Salutatorian who misunderstands the dress codes for formal occasions.

Sarah Paulson as…

Celeb4

…the final second before you realize that you’re being eaten alive by a swarm of fire ants.

Julie Bowen as…

Celeb3

…the wife who ruins the Key Party by blowing chardonnay breath and venereal disease statistics in everyone’s face.

Mayim Bialik as…

Celeb11

…that necklace that the old lady from Titanic threw into the ocean, and also the ocean itself, and also an old lady.

Celebrity Halloween – 2014 MTV Movie Awards

Rhianna as…

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…your best friend’s inappropriately sexual mom at a sleepover full of 9th graders.

Jessica Alba as…

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…a time and a place where tube tops are worn without irony and it is perfectly acceptable to leave the house looking like an avant-garde egg.

Bella Thorne as…

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…that moment when you realize that your blind date is an exotic dancer… like, that’s her JOB… and you can’t decide if this is an awesome, adventurous thing, or if she’s going to stab you in the ribcage in the parking lot when she finds out that you have no idea how or where to score cocaine.

Johnny Depp as…

mtv4

…an eccentric actor who just realized, amid the shrieks of those that call themselves fans, just how terribly overrated he is. “My god, I’m dressed like a guy who invents steampunk versions of office supplies, and my last handful of movies included Dark Shadows, The Lone Ranger, The Rum Diary, and whatever this techno-garbage Transcendence turns out to be… and… oh shit… I’m doing ANOTHER Pirates of the Caribbean movie…? They’re going to figure it out… they’re all going to figure out that I basically have been doing the same character for a decade, differentiated only by an assortment of comical hats… oh Jesus… oh sweet, merciful Jesus…”

Zac Efron as…

mtv6

…the clean-cut, handsome, sexual nightmare that torments evangelical Christian men who are MOST DEFINITELY NOT GAY, why do people always ASSUME that, let’s sing some Bible songs, okay, quickly, PLEASE!!!

Snooki as…

mtv7

…the lady from those 1950’s Navy-issued propaganda posters warning sailors on shore leave about the dangers of venereal diseases.

Jared Leto as…

mtv5

…your drug dealer trying to capitalize on this whole “Pharrell’s big hat” thing in a desperate, racist bid to shore up some hip-hop clientele.

Grumpy Cat as…

mtv8

…the meal ticket for some hipster douchebags who are trying to capitalize on this whole “Pharrell’s big hat” thing in a desperate, racist bid to shore up some ironic web traffic.

Nikki Deloach as…

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…a sentient Orange Julius who’s so excited for prom!

Victoria Justice as…

mtv10

…the Faberge Egg your grandma removed from her collection for being “a hussy.”

Celebrity Halloween – 2014 Academy Awards

Jeremy Renner as…

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

…the hair gel & body spray concierge at the Hotel de Venereal Disease.

Lady Gaga as…

86th Annual Academy Awards - People Magazine Arrivals

…the art deco bride from a wedding cake topper that became empowered and married itself.

Jared Leto as…

jared-leto

…that time when Jesus took a break from being the Messiah and just waited tables at an event hall in New Jersey for like a year or so…. just him, Peter, and Judas… enough money in their pockets for brewskis, hoagies, and some gas to get them to the shore… not a care in the world… no commandments to preach… those were the days, man… those were the days…

Ryan Seacrest as…

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

…a cheerful marionette that got turned into a real boy, and, with the help of his magical talking cricket friend, weaseled his way into a production deal with the E! Network.

Lupita Nyong’o as…

lupita nyongo

…your girlfriend’s new fashion icon, which is a losing battle, as your girlfriend looks like literally the exact opposite of Lupita Nyong’o, which is to say a pasty Midwesterner who could pass for Alton Brown in a sundress.

Glenn Close as…

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…the floor mat from a 1978 Dodge Charger.

Anne Hathaway as…

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…a fierce elfin warrior deemed too insufferable for the new season of Game of Thrones.

Johnny Weir as…

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…K.D. Lang’s ill-fated experimentation with glam rock.

Pharrell as…

pharrell

…hip-hop’s Little Lord Fauntleroy out for a night on the town with his androgynous butler and several tubes of shin cream.

Liza Minnelli as…

liza-minnelli

…a Blue Meanie from Yellow Submarine that had its face pulled taught in an industrial accident.