10 Off-Brand Liquors That Taste Just As Good As The Real Thing


-Jake Daniels

-Grey Moose

-Patron (rhymes with “matron”)

-Bailey’s Irish Stuff


-Tank? Hooray!

-Dishonorably Discharged Civilian Morgan

-Johnnie Walker Beige

–I Can’t Believe It’s Not Crown Royal

-Jose Cuervon’t




10 Surprising Moments in the New Godzilla Reboot


-Tender love scene between Bryan Cranston and Mothra

-Informative, though totally unnecessary, animated sequence detailing how a bill becomes a law.

-Big damn Godzilla panties.

-In an amusing cameo, Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt reprise their roles from Twister after Godzilla farts out an F5 tornado. “Here we go again,” they say, directly at the camera.

-Seven minute drum solo.

-Godzilla voiced by Penn Jillette

-Climactic battle is just old footage from a WWF “Hell in a Cell” match featuring Triple H and Cactus Jack.

-The final third of the movie is just people who were displaced by Godzilla’s rampages applying for housing with FEMA representatives.

-A title card in the credits that reads, “Godzilla will be back in Godzilla 2: Havana Nights.”

-A post-credits scene that appears to be hidden camera video of Guillermo del Toro angrily tearing up a Pacific Rim movie poster, then weeping while eating an entire rotisserie chicken.

NOTE: All kidding aside, the new Godzilla reboot is pretty outstanding and you should go see it. Spring for the 3D showing, too; it really jazzes up the spectacle.