usa up all night

Celebrity Halloween – 2015 Academy Awards

NOTE: Click pics to embiggen.

Keira Knightley as…

CHKeiraKnightley

…your binder in the 90’s, where the lyrics of Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” intertwined with doodles, hastily figured math problems, and a single drop of spilled Boone’s Farm from a sleepover at Becky’s.

Meryl Streep as…

CHMerylStreep

…that moment right after Mom has downed her fourth glass of Moscato, when she loudly proclaims that she’s going to start dressing classy again, like she did in the 70’s, when it was still shocking in certain circles to wear a pantsuit, but goddammit… sorry, don’t tell your father she swore, but GODDAMMIT… she looked GOOD in a pantsuit. Mr. Brodecker in Accounts Receivable certainly noticed. He’s passed away now, god bless him. There’s more wine right? Ah, we’re having fun…. it’s good to have you kids in the house again…

Channing Tatum as…

CHChanningTatum

…the inevitable path from prep schools, to a decent Midwestern university with a healthy fraternity scene, to a job at Dad’s investment banking concern, to twenty years later, when you find yourself on the boards of museums and hospitals, forced to attend gala functions, and wishing you had gotten serious about starting that Dave Matthews cover band, because, who knows, that really could have lead to something BIG.

Naomi Watts as…

CHNaomiWatts

…a Pilates instructor whose idea of dressing for a night on the town is to literally dress LIKE the town, specifically the recently-refurbished cobblestone streets in the arts district.

Chrissy Teigen as…

CHChrissyTeigen

…the star of the USA Up All Night classic, Undercover Boner Cops.

Jared Leto as…

CHJaredLeto

…the guy you took to prom during your “reading and not really understanding a lot of philosophy books” phase, who you learned years later died in a fire at a head shop.

Dakota Johnson as…

CHDakotaJohnson

…a young actress who just wanted to be in the movies like Mom and Dad, but is now in waaaay over her head and is thinking very seriously about moving out to the desert or something where it’s less likely that people will ask her direct questions about spankings and ball gags.

Ansel Elgort as…

CHAnselElgort

…the main audience for the USA Up All Night classic, Undercover Boner Cops.

Marion Cotillard as…

CHMarionCotillard

…one of those really nice pasta strainers from IKEA that you really can’t afford, but… you know… it’s just so European and neat looking!

Will.i.am as…

CHWilliam

…a forgotten character from Thomas the Tank Engine who was cut due to the lack of opportunities wherein the concepts of scientific hip hop could be worked into the adventures of assorted anthropomorphic trains.

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