Posterized is a column where we (me) make snap judgements about upcoming releases using their movie posters as a guide. Enjoy.
Into The Storm
Sometimes, nature gets mad at us. With good reason, of course… we generally treat the planet we live on like frat guys treat an old couch. We beat it all to hell, we dump our shit (sometimes our literal shit) all over it, and then we’re like, “whatever Couch Earth, you smell bad, let’s get wasted on grain alcohol pizza drugs! WE ARE YOUTH!!!”
So, because we as a people are generally thoughtless assheads, the Earth occasionally tries to kill us all. Sometimes with tsunamis, sometimes with Lava Monsters (oh, they’re real), but sometimes… when the Earth is REALLY fucking cheesed at us… it will try to kill us with tornadoes. Tornadoes are terrifying. They are literally the manifestation of the concept of “destruction.” Maybe I’m just sensitive to their particular brand of horror because I grew up in a part of the world that is usually besieged by tornadoes every Spring, but they are, to me, the epitome of nature’s righteous hate. I pee a little when I hear a tornado siren, but don’t tell anyone I told you that.
Despite there literally being nothing scarier than a tornado… literally NOTHING, fuck your clowns and snakes and serial killers… MOVIES about tornadoes are a decidedly mixed bag. It’s no easy thing to capture that almighty fury. Twister did an okay job… probably the best out there… but it also took some pretty serious liberties with science all in the name of making Helen Hunt do her squinty Drama Face. I love that movie, don’t get me wrong. It’s just kind of brain-damaged. Plus there’s an “evil” storm chaser. C’mon.
ANYWAY, Into The Storm is about tornadoes. I guess it’s a found-footage movie? The trailer makes it look kind of okay. It appears that they’re treating tornadoes like they’re wind-based Godzillas, which is ENTIRELY ACCURATE. So good job, filmmakers!
I don’t think I really “get” Angelina Jolie. I’ve enjoyed her presence in exactly ONE movie (that would be Hackers), and even in Girl, Interrupted, for which she won an Oscar, I’m not entirely sure she was aware she was being filmed for a film. Frankly, she has always seemed to me like an insane person who was lucky enough to be considered attractive by a large portion of the planet’s population, so… CONGRATS, HERE’S YOUR FAME. That’s the other thing; her looks. I’ll admit that she’s striking, but… and I guess this is just a testament to how the varied tapestry of human opinion is a multifaceted and wondrously unquantifiable thing… I don’t really find her all that attractive. For one thing, crazy is just such a weenie-shrinker for me. I’m not 21 anyone more. Crazy isn’t exotic. It’s exhausting. LET’S ADOPT MORE KIDS, AND HERE WEAR MY BLOOD!!! Please, lady… I have to work in the morning. Also, I don’t really require of the opposite sex cheekbones that could thinly slice beef.
NOW… with all that being said… I have to admit that there has quite possibly never been a more perfect Actor/Role match up than Angelina Jolie and Maleficent. Look at that fucking poster? She IS Maleficent. You could even say that this is the role Jolie was born to play, especially if you believe my admittedly-unproven theory that she is actually an Evil Queen in real life. Her on-set trailer was littered with cursed spinning wheels and poisoned apples anyway, so they might as well make a fucking movie about it.
Side Note: How close to the release of Maleficent will our nation’s fetish shops and sex toy emporiums start stocking movie tie-in latex and rubber bondage gear? I expect replicas of that horned headdress thingy to be atop the noggins of many a kinky weirdo within in a week of Maleficent hitting theaters.
The Other Woman
This is a poster for a movie about… well, who gives a shit? It’s a movie poster that is made up almost entirely of Emoji. THAT’S all you need to know about The Other Woman. 20th Century Fox had all the advertising options available to them, and they went with Emoji.
So… I mean… what else is there to say? You can sit there at your computer, and you can read all my extremely obvious thoughts about how massively insulting this is, and about how it’s one of the most patronizing marketing moves I’ve EVER seen from a major motion picture studio, and how simply LOOKING at this poster is like rubbing crumpled tinfoil across your eyes until your vision is permanently warped and whitish goo is leaking from your pupils, OR… OR… you can just watch this video of a Panda doing “The Nae Nae:”
Watch it a few times right in a row. See… that’s such a better use of our time! And… BONUS… it’s not a thing made of fucking Emojis!
We got through this one together, guys. We’re forever bonded, like war veterans. EXACTLY LIKE WAR VETERANS, don’t sass me. I can see it in your face, mister and/or missy. You got a sassy face.