comedy

Winter Movie Spotlight 2014

movie

Winter is just around the corner. Or, if you live in the North like some kind of sucker, then maybe it’s already here. For YOU. Not for me. I live at the edge of the great American Southwest, where winter is like, “whatever, I’ll put on a jacket for a week, NBD.” Hahaha… you fucking people with your snow and your regret! It’s wonderful here! IT’S WONDERFUL!!! [cut to: A month from now, when Texas is buried under a freak snowstorm that makes the end of The Day After Tomorrow look like the location scouting reel from Tremors]

The point is, with the arrival of the winter months, the nation’s movie theaters begin to make transitions of their own. Gone are the days of exciting blockbusters that people actually WANT to see. Now is the time for important movies… PRESTIGE movies… movies that grasp for Oscars like a child reaching for a favorite toy that you are holding high above its head because you are a terrible parent.

Here, now, a look at the upcoming slate of winter movies that you have no real interest in seeing, because life is hard enough already without spending two hours of it watching people be miserable, but you will watch anyway because if you don’t, you will feel like a racist:

The Remembering Time – Rated PG

Several elderly people in a nursing home think back on their lives, remembering stuff from when they were young, and full of life, and music didn’t have so many swears in it. Everything is shot in sepia tones, because that’s how the audience knows it takes place in the past. Black and white film might also get used; the filmmakers haven’t decided yet. Anyway, everyone gets really bummed out and then somebody’s nephew shows up to play the violin, which makes everything worse because they can tell that he really doesn’t want to be there. The movie ends when all the main characters die. It’s just awful .

Rose’s Antique Handbag – Rated R (for explicit historical fucking)

Rose (played by Kate Winslet, though the character is not THAT Rose), embarks on a sweeping journey across Europe, Africa, and, budget permitting, Asia, to reclaim her antique handbag that once belonged to her inspirational and also empowering grandmother, also named, confusingly, Rose. High drama ensues when Rose discovers that the antique handbag has fallen into the hands of the Nazis, which is strange, as the movie takes place in 1997. Score by Academy Award winner Hans Zimmer. Cinematography by Academy Award winner Janusz Kaminski. Nazi uniforms provided by that one closet at Warner Bros. Studios that’s full of Nazi uniforms.

It’s Horseshit That Gary Oldman Has Never Won An Oscar – Rated G(ary)

Gary Oldman, one of the finest actors of our generation, has NEVER won an Oscar. Isn’t that just totally horseshit??? What’s worse, he’s only been nominated for ONE GODDAMN MOVIE. That Tinker Tailor Solider Spy movie, which, okay, I’m sure it was FINE, but c’mon. Espionage in England or something? Whooooo caaaaaares??? But, of course, THAT’S the performance upon which the Academy finally decides to bestow their oh so fucking hallowed graces. Whatever. What fucking ever. Anyway, IHTGOHNWAO is just one 90 minute shot of Gary Oldman reading a menu from Applebee’s over and over in several different accents, and with varying degrees of intensity. It will break your fucking heart.

My Friend B.S. – Rated NC-17

One man’s crippling addiction to bath salts is explored via gritty, lo-fi film-making techniques, and also some unconventional casting choices. The main part of Terry…  the man struggling with his crippling need for terrifying drugs… is played by John Cryer, in a role that will surprise you. The part of his girlfriend, Joanne… the woman who selflessly helps Terry work through his addiction and get into rehab… is played by Tabitha from Tabitha’s Salon Takeovers, in a role that will surprise you. The bath salts are voiced, dramatically, by repurposed dialogue from a DVD of Beetlejuice that was laying around the editing suite. It’s mostly Michael Keaton stuff, in a roll that will surprise you. And him, too, probably, as he was not paid for his unwitting participation.

Mars – Rated PG-13

This is a movie that takes the viewer to the planet Mars, and shows what it would actually be like to live there. The first half is kind of hypnotically dull, as the Mars pioneers go about doing, you know, regular pioneer shit but with spacesuits. But then the last half is horrifying because a bunch of Martians show up and start disemboweling everybody. Tastefully, of course. The disemboweling is mostly implied. Mostly. What’s important is that the filmmakers invented a new kind of camera for this movie and it makes everything look like it’s actually taking place in outer fucking space. Technical wizardry, bitches. Gravity can suck our 70mm IMAX 3D dongs.

The Cuteness – Rated A Heretofore Undiscovered Rating That is Milder Than G

Carefully composed scenes of brilliant, troubled people doing twee, fussy things are all strung together to the music of Juice Newton, who is an artist we haven’t heard from in a long time, but is being brought back by the filmmakers because it’s cool to do that sort of thing, as long as it’s clear they’re being ironic. Everything looks perfect, and you get that it’s supposed to be funny, but you’re really only laughing because everyone else is. That guy a few seats down is PARTICULARLY into it. He has a neatly trimmed beard and some sort of tweed jacket thing going on. He looks smart. Yeah… this movie is SO smart.

Moshe Blumenthal: A Holocaust Survivor’s Story – Unrated

You may think that it is, at best, crass to sensationalize a real-life victim of the Holocaust’s story for the purpose of winning essentially meaningless awards, but… clearly… you’re unfamiliar with how bitching an Oscar looks on a small shelf above one’s cigar humidor. Yep… things are going pretty well. Thinking about optioning the rights to Anne Frank’s diary and tweaking it into like a Bourne Identity thing where she’s secretly an assassin or something. Pretty sure it’ll be the big summer hit of 2016. Iggy Azalea would make a totally badass, sexy Anne Frank, right???

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I Would Like To Sell You Some Sushi

sushi

I have decided to start selling sushi. Nothing fancy, of course. Maybe I’ll start with just a small sushi station at my local flea market. Or perhaps I’ll go the hip, trendy route and open a “food truck” (really just my Ford Focus; the backseat is pretty dirty, but it would hold a LOT of sushi). The point is, I need to get my sushi into the hands of rich people as fast as possible, so I can FINALLY pay off my numerous debts accrued while gambling on Foxy Boxing student loans.

Sushi, for those of you that don’t know, is a varied and delicious style of Japanese cuisine that involves only the freshest ingredients, as well as a preparation technique that borders on inspired artistry. Raw belly of tuna (toro), eel (unagi) and sea urchin roe (uni). Spiny lobster and tobiko. Seaweed and rice prepared according to methods perfected long ago. Simple, elegant… frankly, kind of a hassle. And EXPENSIVE. Do you know how much toro costs? A fuckload more than fish sticks, let me tell you. Even the expired stuff. Not that I would EVER sell expired sushi meats at Sea-Dog’s Sushi Emporium Truck! That’s ridiculous! DON’T LOOK IN THE TRUNK! That smell is just… my old bathing suit… from my last trip to the beach… not a bunch of expired cans of Starkist…

ANYWAY, here’s a sneak peek at the menu. I feel like I’ve hit a good balance between honoring the ancient Japanese traditions of their sushi-making ancestors (or whatever) and appealing to the more reserved, less-adventurous, American palate.

I’m going to be so fucking rich, you guys. You hear that, Rico!!! YOU’LL GET YOUR MONEY SOON, I SWEAR!!!

Stupid Foxy Boxing student loans…

Sea-Dog’s Sushi Emporium Truck, Super Elegant, Amiright (…too much? …still working on the name)

NOTE: All sales are final. Buy purchasing sushi from this establishment, you’re agreeing that any barfing you do after eating said sushi was caused by something else… most likely your reckless lifestyle, with the booze, and the drugs, and the eating raw pork out of an old ashtray. NO LAWSUITS OR FREE WASABI REFILLS. You want more wasabi, that green shit will cost you.

The California Roll – Crab stick, avocado, cream cheese, wrapped in rice and seaweed.

The Boxer Rebellion Roll – Grilled chicken breast, cream cheese, pickled jalapenos, wrapped in rice and seaweed, drizzled with mayonnaise.

The Golden Dragon Roll – Fried shrimp, wasabi mayonnaise, regular mayonnaise, wrapped in rice and a tortilla.

The Smiling Buddha Roll – Fish stick, tarter sauce, soy sauce-flavored mayonnaise, Miracle Whip, iceberg lettuce, wrapped in rice and served with bagel chips.

The Ancient Orient Roll – Starkist tuna, mayonnaise, dill relish, mixed together with rice and served on white bread with a wasabi-soy-ginger mayonnaise drizzle. Side of Ruffles.

The Oktoberfest Roll (seasonal) – Bratwurst, sauerkraut, beer-flavored mayonnaise, wrapped in a potato pancake and served Sake Bomb-style over a stein of beer.

The Geisha Girl Roll – A bowl of rice and mayonnaise. Ranch dressing drizzle.

The Rising Sun Roll – A hamburger (for cheeseburger, add .50)

Job Interview Tips & Tricks with “Capt. Job Interview Jones”

captjobinterview

HELLO! I am Capt. Job Interview Jones. I am the foremost expert on job interviews, resume updating, writing a cover letter, and controlling a crippling sex addiction. The first three are what we’ll be discussing today! C-dog has asked me to come to ZFS to give all of you some tips, tricks and techniques on nailing that upcoming job interview and looking like a goddamn professional for once in your life. Also, I feel you should know that C-dog insinuated pretty heavily that he feels all of his readers are incapable of holding down a job, and are also most likely homeless. C-dog is kind of an jerk, I don’t mind saying. His breath REEKED of old liquor. There was a lot of food in his beard, too. A LOT. At least a third of a sandwich.

ANYWAY, let’s get started. Maybe we can prove him wrong! First up, some…

RESUME TIPS

-While you might feel it adds a personal touch, a big smooch in bright red lipstick at the bottom of your resume is extremely unprofessional. Especially if you are a man. Loose mustache hairs in the lip print… very unsettling…

-Your resume should stick strictly to your work and education history. Even though you truly believe that you make the best red-eye gravy in the tri-state area, it is not necessary to list it on your resume. Not even in the “special skills” section. Besides, I’ve tried your red-eye gravy and it is much too salty. I don’t know why you have such a high opinion of it. Frankly, I’d be ashamed to serve that to my cat.

-If you intend to put fraudulent info on your resume, you should at least attempt to make it seem plausible. Nobody is going to believe that you were once the President of Nairobi, nor will they buy that your last job was on the Moon, doing “moon junk.”

-The proper way to write dates on a resume is: 3/20/14. Not “March 20th, 2014.” And certainly not “3/20/my favorite episode of Full House is the one where they go to Disney World.”

-Use ONLY high-quality paper for resume printing. I can’t tell you how many resumes I’ve seen printed on tin foil, used Burger King napkins, the Magna Carta, $100 dollar bills, deployed parachutes, the skin of murdered runaways, and so on. Very, very unprofessional.

Cover Letters

-With cover letters, you can get a little more personal. You can really give the hiring company a good idea of who you are and what you’re hoping to achieve. Don’t get TOO personal, of course. Discussions of your menstruation cycle and/or exactly what types of unusual fetish porn you’re into are not advisable.

-Do not attempt to write in an accent, as there is no need to establish yourself as, say, a courtly Southern gentleman or an Irish gadabout.

-Your cover letter should be clear, concise, and should not include a Word Jumble.

The Job Interview

-Always dress appropriately. Wearing a tie is always a good idea, but you should make sure that it is subdued, businesslike, and doesn’t have a bunch of cartoon penises on it. I would also advise against stained denim overalls, a full clown costume (with makeup), a naughty French maid outfit, and/or wearing nothing at all. Nothing will derail an interview faster than the sight of your horrifying nutsack.

-Though it WILL make you stand apart from the other applicants, it is generally considered an unwise move to have a pizza delivered to you in the middle of the interview. Even if you offer to share.

-It can be tough, but do your best to not bad-mouth other companies for whom you have worked. Calling them “dickless fuckfaces” will only reflect poorly on you, as will… at the very mention of your ex-employers name… getting out of your chair and proceeding to loudly defecate into the nearest trashcan while never breaking eye contact with the interviewer.

-No juggling. Unless, of course, you’re applying for a job that REQUIRES a mastery of the juggling arts. Then by all means, never STOP juggling.

-You shouldn’t automatically assume that the interviewer speaks Japanese, especially since you don’t either. What you’re doing is very racist. Stop bowing. Quite screaming, “BANZAI!”

-Try to save the uncontrollable weeping for the car ride home.

Practicing My Arguments For When I Am A Cranky Old Man

meanoldman

ME: You call this potato salad? Potato salad has potatoes and mayonnaise and maybe some relish!!! This is just a pill!!! When you eat it, you FEEL like you’ve just eaten some potato salad, but it’s NOT POTATO SALAD!!!

CYBORG NURSE: INGEST SUSTENANCE PILL, HUMAN. END TRANSMISSION.

ME: Egh, you don’t know. Potato salad used to be a food…

***

ME: In my day, we had little computers called iPods that carried around all our music and, oh, how we loved to listen to them on the subways or while taking a walk. Can you imagine… all the music in the world inside a little thing no bigger than a credit card…

GRANDCHILD: What are subways, credit cards, computers, and what’s “a walk?” Also, is music that noise the robots make when they come to harvest our spines?

ME: I really loved Taylor Swift…

GRANDCHILD: What does the President of Earth have to do with this?

***

ME: We used to treat our elders with respect! Or at least we’d put them in a home, where mostly-nice Jamaican ladies would bring them soup and park them in front of the TV for hours on end. Occasionally the monotony that comes from waiting to die would be broken up by a children’s choir being forced to sing for their amusement, but mostly it just confused them and made them frightened.

GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SUPER-SOLIDER: Carry this bomb into that building. It’s where the robots sort all the spines. We’ll destroy them yet, old man.

ME: (sigh) I wish I had some potato salad.

GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SUPER-SOLIDER: I wish my creators had installed into my DNA the capacity to love. We BOTH got problems, am I right?

ME: Get off my lawn!!! I mean, ROBOT ATTACK!!!!

[the robots swarm, spines everywhere]

My Rejected Pilots

NOTE: Every year, I submit hundreds of pitches to the various networks in an effort to get my grand visions on to your television screens. Do I do this because I want to be TV’s next legendary creative genius, a la Norman Lear and Vince Gilligan? I mean… sure… that would be fine. Mainly, though, I submit these pilots as Step 1 in a 3 Step Plan to become Jon Hamm’s husband. Do you think he’s ALWAYS that handsome, or do you think he has frumpy days? Hmm… Anyway, here are some of my many rejected pilots:

Big Shoes/Little Shoes

A group of circus clowns raise a baby. The baby is not kidnapped! This is not a creepy show. Yes, they teach her the clowning way of life, including clown customs, clown rituals, clown ethics and morals, and sometimes they kill and eat those that will not be missed, but mostly it’s a heartwarming family comedy. One that will haunt your dreams, man.

CSI: Auction Hoarders

A reality show about the forensic science that goes into determining whether or not stuff found in the homes of hoarders is good enough to be sold at auction. The family that runs the CSI: Auction Hoarders business is Italian, argumentative, and they loves to MANGIA!!! That’s Italian for “eat.” Very colorful.

The Girl That Was Good At Solving Murders

Madison Truespirit is a single girl in the city, just trying to make it as the head of a homicide squad that handles the toughest cases imaginable (some involve celebrities, especially during Sweeps). She’s really good at her job, but lousy in the romance department! This can be done as a straight-forward police procedural, or… depending on the network… we can add a lot of simulated sex and basically make it porn. Either way is good with me. Oh, and she talks to ghosts.

Jesus M.D.

Jesus comes back and he’s a doctor now. We can add lots of sex to this one, too, though we might get letters. Any press is good press, am I right? Anyway, he has an angel sidekick that makes wisecracks. Maybe the angel sidekick is animated…? With the voice of RuPaul…? Focus groups will be key.

Jon Hamm and C-dog Cuddle For One Hour

An hour long broadcast of Jon Hamm and I cuddling in various locations. The season finale can be a live episode. I hope he doesn’t mind being the big spoon…

The USA’s Next Greatest Singing Voice

Contestants sing and there’s a panel of judges that tells them that they’re really good or really bad. Also, one of the judges has a gun. So do some of the contestants. A few audience members will also have guns. Dramatic television! We can do a spin-off about what happens once we’re all on Death Row, too. Money in the bank!

Gary

Gary is a loner who spends his nights drinking cheap tequila in his efficiency apartment. He cries a lot. One day, after downing an entire bottle of Montezuma, he dies. I can kind of see why this didn’t get picked up. Too edgy. Also, the concept is only good for one episode.

Rub Poop On Yourself For Cash

Self explanatory.

Amenities Of My New Hotel

NOTE: Due to some upcoming travel plans, I have been comparison shopping a lot of different hotels. What I have discovered is that owning and operating a hotel seems really easy. So I’m going to start doing that.

Amenities at the Hotel du C-dog (very fancy)

hotel

Beds – Apparently the general public will not pay me money if I make them sleep in their cars. Even if I say that it’s a “concept” room.

24 hour room service – At the beginning, it’s just going to be me heating up Pop-Tarts for you… ANY time you want; I’m willing to make that sacrifice for my customers… but eventually I hope to expand the service to include microwaved soup, a de-sticked popcicle (classy!), and the spoils from a raid on the nearby CiCi’s Pizza (whatever I can fit in my backpack, I will divide evenly between the rooms).

Websites – People today can’t get enough websites. So I’ll probably have a few of those in each room. Also, each room will feature an Instagram.

Elegant Hotel Bar – The manager at the Applebee’s on the other side of the highway has already promised that I can refer to the bar in his restaurant as “Hotel du C-dog’s Grand Elegant-Ass Bar” (or “Nightwavez,” I haven’t decided yet). Our signature cocktail will be a Riblet floating in a glass of rum that I’ve named, “The Rum-blet.” We are for sure going to sell a million of them. The glass will be rimmed in rib seasoning and grease.

Turn-down Service – I’ll come in and turn your bed down for you as soon as I can figure out where the volume knobs are on the mattress. (Just kidding, I know it’s not a knob; it’s more like a dimmer switch)

Bathrooms – Shit, the rooms will probably need those.

The Hotel du C-dog’s Extra Special Lovers Package for Lovers

Valentines Day Love Wallpaper

If you are spending a special occasion at the Hotel du C-dog… a wedding anniversary, a honeymoon, you’ve gotten the “all clear” from a VD clinic… may we suggest investing in our special package designed exclusively for lovers that are in love and love boning in a weird bed. The package includes…

…a parking spot

…sheets WITHOUT popular Pixar characters on them

…a decadent selection of chocolate-covered stuff from your luggage

…two complimentary Rum-blets at Nightwavez (I settled on Nightwavez, btw)

…rose petals fucking everywhere, even in places that might surprise you (hint: check the wall outlets)

…a bottle of our house- made sparkling wine, which is NOT just Smirnoff Ices run through our SodaStream

…complimentary re-purposed Chocolate Fountain filled with lube

Terrible Math Problems

A few problems from my upcoming terrible mathematics textbook

#1

Timothy drinks vodka alone in his apartment at a rate of roughly one and a half bottles per afternoon. Timothy was recently fired from his job at a country club, so he has a lot of afternoons free to drink vodka on the couch while watching Judge Joe Brown. If Timothy managed to steal seventeen bottles of vodka from the country club before he left, how many afternoons of drunken bliss does he have left before reality comes crashing down upon him?

#2

Megan is on a westbound train that is traveling at a speed of 80mph, heading home to tell her parents that she has dropped out of college to follow around Arcade Fire on their latest North American tour. She has been traveling for two hours, which has totaled a distance of 238 miles. It is still 381 miles to the train station where her parents are picking her up. How disappointed will her parents be when they find out that Megan is essentially shitting on their love? Express your answer in torn up baby photos.

#3

You borrowed seven thousand dollars from Esteban two weeks ago. Esteban wants his money, but you lost it all betting on the fucking Giants to cover the spread, which they DIDN’T, because MANNING is a FUCKING PUSSY. Esteban doesn’t care how you get the money, he just wants it in his hand by tomorrow, midnight, or he will have his boys smash your kneecaps with a sledgehammer. Your family’s kneecaps as well. “All the kneecaps will be Esteban’s,” he had shouted, his mouth frothing, his nose rimmed with cocaine. If X equals the taste of fear in the back of your throat, how many miles away from this fucking city will you have to get before you will ever feel safe again?

Extra Credit

EC1 – Fractions are totally retarded, am I right?

EC2 – Spell “Boobies” on a calculator. Explain why this will always be funny.

EC3 – I bet that Megan chick from #2 would TOTALLY be down to party. Don’t you think she’d be down to party? I bet she totally would be…