Month: August 2014

Celebrity Halloween – 2014 Emmys

Click the pics to make them larger.

Julia Roberts as…

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…a boring movie star that has doomed us all because she has no idea that her dress has the bubonic plague.

Lena Dunham as…

66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

…an American Girl doll that was rejected due to a lack of interest in her story, which mostly revolved around a group of art school students falling into a K-hole.

Kate Walsh as…

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…the Sun’s mean, alcoholic aunt.

Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna as…

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…the Emmys’ annual reminder that being famous and wealthy can beat back the ravages of time for only so long, so enjoy it while it lasts, SARAH HYLAND.

Johnny Galecki as…

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Eraserhead’s younger brother, Skip, who works in advertising and is also fraught with terrifying hallucinations, but they mostly just involve running out of fair-trade coffee and/or being late for a Crossfit training sesh.

Adam Levine as…

Celeb6

…the son of a senator who is rich enough to convince a judge that running over a homeless man in his Bugatti Roadster while rolling on molly is a matter that can be cleared up with a little community service (that will be carried out in his stead by one of dad’s interns).

Amanda Peet as…

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…a high school Salutatorian who misunderstands the dress codes for formal occasions.

Sarah Paulson as…

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…the final second before you realize that you’re being eaten alive by a swarm of fire ants.

Julie Bowen as…

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…the wife who ruins the Key Party by blowing chardonnay breath and venereal disease statistics in everyone’s face.

Mayim Bialik as…

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…that necklace that the old lady from Titanic threw into the ocean, and also the ocean itself, and also an old lady.

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Terrible NFL Facts

nfl-teams

With the new NFL season only two weeks away, the creator of Zombie Fights Shark thought it would be fun to share with you some facts about every single team in the NFL. So… here they are. Also, by reading this sentence, you have agreed to not sue the creator of Zombie Fights Shark for libel, slander, or for stealing your car. <— LEGALLY BINDING, YO.

Minnesota Vikings – These guys uniforms are so purple, it’s like… WHO LET GRIMACE ON THE FIELD??? Haha, I’m kidding, Grimace isn’t real. He’s just a guy in a costume. That costume, however, is based on a real monster that lives in a forest in Germany and eats children.

St. Louis Rams – The entire offensive line of the St. Louis Rams is made up of guys who are really good friends, and even once took a spa weekend together. They have a code name for their group: The Offensive LineBROS.

New York Giants – Calling them “Giants” has a caused a lot of body image issues in the NY locker room. They’re a sad bunch… just sitting around eating lettuce, waiting for their SlimFast shakes to get properly mixed by a trainer.

Arizona Cardinals – The Arizona Cardinals spent the early part of the 2013 season playing baseball until it was brought to their attention that they are not the Arizona Diamondbacks OR the St. Louis Cardinals. A good laugh was had by all.

Tennessee Titans – Everyone in the Tennessee Titans organization has a tattoo of a Japanese character that means, “You are an official employee of the Tennessee Titans; security HAS to let you into the stadium.”

Oakland Raiders – [No official fact here; all ZFS Fact Finders were stabbed in the parking lot of O.co Stadium before anything noteworthy could be discovered]

Atlanta Falcons – Pranksters once swapped out the placard on head coach Mike Smith’s office door with one that read, “Head Couch Mike Smith.” People were trying to nap on him FOR DAYS. He figured it out eventually, though, and subsequently banned juice boxes from the locker room. Juice boxes just get the players too riled up.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are not real pirates, though many of the players DO have peg legs.

Houston Texans – The Houston Texans aren’t playing this year until someone fesses up to stealing all the jockstraps from the locker room during training camp. A statement from the front office reads, “It’s not FUNNY anymore, okay? We really need those! We SWEAR we won’t tell, if you just RETURN THEM.” There is an accompanying photo of Houston Texan’s owner Bob McNair swearing on a stack of Bibles, but you can totally tell that he has his fingers crossed behind his back.

New England Patriots – All the players for the Patriots got her number, and want to know if you like apples.

Philadelphia Eagles – A fan of the Philadelphia Eagles once whipped a battery at a referee SO HARD, it punctured the metaphysical walls that separate the dimensions, allowing beings from other planes of existence to pour into our world. The other-worldly beings called said fan, “a dick.”

Cleavland Browns – The official chant that rings throughout FirstEnergy Stadium on game day is just the fans, in unison, apologizing.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Every single player on the Pittsburgh Steelers considers themselves to be superfans of the BBC series Call the Midwife. This is evident in their run game, which has been called “nurturing” by many.

Carolina Panthers – As part of a hazing ritual, the coaching staff once told QB Cam Newton that the entire field was made of lava. This explains why Newton is always standing on an ottoman or a bookshelf during offensive possessions.

Miami Dolphins – Concession stands at Sun Life Stadium DO NOT sell dolphin. They sell DolFeen… an FDA certified dolphin substitute that tastes like the real thing, with NONE of the guilt. Real dolphin IS served, however, in all Sun Life Stadium luxury suites.

Denver Broncos – Peyton Manning died two years ago in a mysterious helicopter crash. No one knows who that guy is taking snaps under center. Everyone is afraid to ask.

Seattle Seahawks – Having won the Super Bowl last year, all players and coaches are now entitled to an official NFL “Winners” coupon book filled with over $50 worth of discounts at local businesses and restaurants.

Green Bay Packers – Every autograph signed by a member of the Green Bay Packers reads, “To xxxx, Have A Great Summer!” You can tell they don’t really care if you have a great summer or not, though.

Dallas Cowboys – The Dallas Cowboys ceased playing professional football in the mid-90’s. The brand has been kept alive, however, as the Pro Shop was far too lucrative a venture to shut down.

Buffalo Bills – The Buffalo Bills are the only NFL team to have as many Super Bowl appearances as they do games called due to yeti attacks.

New Orleans Saints – As per New Orleans tradition, and in accordance with the city’s liquor laws, the Gatorade coolers at every Saints home game are filled with rum. This explains why Drew Brees is always so quick to flash his beautiful titties at the beads-throwing crowd.

Detroit Lions – The Detroit Lions proudly boast more members of the Clean Plate Club than any other franchise in the NFL.

Indianapolis Colts – During Colts in-game huddles, you can usually hear highly specific references to the novels of Mary Higgins Clark mixed in with the play calls and route assignments.

Cincinnati Bengals – QB Andy Dalton was once mistaken for a ventriloquist’s dummy, and spent several months on the road as part of an act entitled, “The Amazing Randy and his lil’ wooden pal, Pine Cone Pete.” After his rescue by team officials, his only statement regarding the matter was, and to this day, remains, “Amazing Randy sure did know his way around a peanut butter sandwich!”

Washington Redskins – Redskins owner Dan Snyder would like it to be known that he once totally heard a Native American guy use “the N-word.” So everybody needs to back off, because that guy was CLEARLY Chippewa or Cherokee or something.

New York Jets – The New York Jets have officially changed their nickname from “Gang Green” to “gangrene,” because most of the players currently have gangrene.

Kansas City Chiefs – All press materials for the Kansas City Chiefs contain the following paragraph: “We mean it like how you’d call a buddy ‘Chief,’ you know, like, ‘grab me a brewski, Chief!’ We’re totally chill like that. You know who IS racist, though… The Washington Redskins. Oh you know about that already? Yeah… those guys are so racist, am I right, Chief?”

Chicago Bears – Games played at Soldier Field are rarely televised, as even our most modern television cameras cannot pick up the action on the field through the haze of deep-dish pizza farts.

Baltimore Ravens – QB Joe Flacco thinks The Wire is overrated; is more of an NCIS: Los Angeles kind of guy.

Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jacksonville Jaguars are currently slowly fading out of every photo ever taken of them, much like Marty McFly’s family in Back to the Future.

San Diego Chargers – Team practice was suspended for three days during preseason so several members of the Chargers core starting roster could finish investigating The Mystery of the Haunted Lighthouse. Turns out it, it was just a pesky raccoon causing all that trouble!

San Francisco 49ers – The 49ers are so sure they’re going to win the Super Bowl this year, they can practically TASTE that coupon book. To quote Niners head coach Jim Harbaugh, “there’s one in there that’s good for a whole free sub at Subway! I’m gonna get a Spicy Italian, and no one can stop me! EXTRA PICKLES TOO!!!”

3/3/3: Condiments

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3/3/3 is a new series on Zombie Fights Shark where we take a look at the top 3, bottom 3, and most overrated 3 entries in a given category. The categories will cover the entire spectrum of pop culture, plus food & beverages, and even simply life itself. Let’s have some highly subjective fun, shall we?

Top 3 Condiments

3) Salt and Pepper – I mean, sure… salt and pepper are great. They are the load-bearing support beams of every delicious meal we’ve ever collectively jammed into our gaping maws, and for that, they deserve at minimum a Nobel Prize in Tasty-Making. HOWEVER… salt and pepper are boring. Unsexy. Distinctly lacking in pizazz. Look, they DESERVE to be on this list… I’m not saying they don’t…  but they’re also kind of like the grand, sweeping epics that used to get nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars back in the 80’s and 90’s (before Hollywood got slightly more hip). YES, Remains of the Day is technically a motion picture of exceptional quality, but GAAHHH… I’d rather watch roadkill rot in the sun.

2) Mustard – Have you ever had mustard on a corn dog? Holy shit.

1) A1 Sauce – The day that A1 first met my tongue was the day I learned the true meaning of the word “savory.” SO ZESTY. A1 is the condiment equivalent of a bicep flexing as it lifts a bale of hay. In every stereotypical sense of the word, it is a MANLY condiment. And so damn delicious, it makes me want to weep tears laced with pure testosterone. MEN DON’T CRY, THOUGH [does one-armed push-ups; rips phone book in half; bellows like a goddamn majestic bull moose]

Seriously, there was a period of time in my life when A1 was a more frequent addition to my meals than, say, vegetables, or things that weren’t bought through a two-way speaker/drive-up window arrangement. I have very specific memories of being 25 years old and drunk, sitting on a dirty kitchen floor at 4am, eating blobs of A1 on Saltines, and feeling like motherfucking Alain Ducasse. “This is living,” I thought-screamed, as I washed down God’s Appetizer with some very cheap malt liquor. “I HAVE BEATEN THE SYSTEM!” And then I’d black out for 12 hours, and wake up covered in…

Well, it doesn’t matter. A1 is amazing, is all I’m saying. If you wash your face with A1, it will clear up your acne. In a pinch, the Vatican has used A1 in place of Holy Water during certain religious ceremonies. Buzz Aldrin chugged a whole bottle of A1 right before he took a metaphorical dump on the Moon. All of this is 100% true.

A1, you are my everything.

3 Most Overrated Condiments

3) Ketchup – Good to dip your fries into? Sure. Splash a little ketchup on your hash browns? Why not. A nice smear on your burger and/or hot dog…? NO. Absolutely not, you son of a bitch. Put down the ketchup. PUT IT DOWN. You don’t get to have ketchup until you realize that it is for POTATOES ONLY. Hold on… you… YES, YOU… you bastard, are you trying to put ketchup on a fucking STEAK? I swear to Christ, I will hunt you ’til the ends of the earth if you don’t drop the squeeze bottle of Heinz and kick it away.

Good… good… okay, now hand over the steak. You don’t get that either. IS THIS STEAK WELL-DONE?

Start running. I’ll give you a half hour to make it sporting. May whatever God you pray to have mercy on your wretched soul because my crossbow won’t.

2) Grey Poupon – Do you realize that people still do the “pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon” bit? Like, you can’t even ask for it on a sandwich without someone giving you a faux-snob accent and pretending to roll down a fucking car window. It’s been DECADES, yet that joke lives on. Also bullshit? Grey Poupon itself. It’s FANCY mustard, oooh so luxurious. We poured WINE in it, so it’s basically SPREADABLE DREAMS. What that really means, is this: If you see Grey Poupon in a menu description, it means you’re paying $2 more for your ham and swiss. That’s it. It’s an up-charge in condiment form.

1) Sriracha – Before you try to beat me to death with the internet, hear me out. Sriracha is FINE. There is nothing wrong with it. It is pleasantly spicy, has a nice garlic kick, and it’s a jazzy shade of red that really pops in photographs on your Instagram account. Sriracha itself is not the problem with Sriracha. The problem with Sriracha is every Buzzfeed article ever written about it… every hipster that gets a Sriracha bottle tattooed on their arm… every Oatmeal cartoon that treats Sriracha like it’s the stuff Jesus himself used to kick things up a notch at The Last Supper. The problem with Sriracha is HYPE. Big, smelly, impenetrable clouds of over-effusive praise that make a good thing mediocre with needlessly high expectations. Hell, the hype has made me actively dislike Sriracha; well, the IDEA of Sriracha, anyway. The gunk itself, as I said, is fine. But seeing it mentioned on a menu, or reading about how you should put it on everything, haha BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH IT lol j/k BUT DOOO IIIT makes me want to roll my eyes until my retinas pop.

Look, I recognize that food is good, in general, and that some specific foodstuffs are individually excellent. But we, as a group, have to realize that if we keep pounding the excellent stuff into the ground, everyone is going to get sick of it and start eating dry saltines and lukewarm tea totally out of spite. Bacon, Nutella, cupcakes, anything served out of a food truck… they ALL know what I’m talking about. Everybody just calm the fuck down about everything. Sriracha would really appreciate it, I’m sure.

Bottom 3 Condiments

3) Sweet Relish –  You know what this hot dog needs? Some goo that looks like a fungus you’d find growing on a boat. And if that goo could also taste like it had several packets of Splenda mixed into it, well then this hot dog will be totally good to go! DID I MENTION THAT I’M A MONSTER??? (dill relish is okay, but I also would be fine if it totally disappeared off the planet; it is the Bill Pullman of condiments)

2) Mostarda – This isn’t a real common condiment, I’ll admit, but I really like the symmetry of having a mustard thing in all three categories. SO VERSATILE. Also, mostarda is disgusting and people need to be warned about it. Now… brace yourself, because I’m about to tell you what mostarda is, exactly. Ready? Made peace with your existence? Texted the family, told them to avenge your death? Good. Mostarda is candied fruit suspended in a mustard-flavored syrup. It looks like this. Try to hold that description in your mind. Run it over your mental tastebuds. If your first thought isn’t, “Dammit, Grandpa’s trying to cook again; time to up his medication,” then I think your brain might need a good thwack to realign its mechanisms. Naturally, your next thought should be… who the fuck is eating this garbage? THE ITALIANS, that’s who. They love mostarda. They put it on bread and meat and, presumably, their naked bodies while engaging in small-batch, locally grown, artisanal sexy times. Gosh, the Italians are just SO much better than us. They do things the RIGHT way.

Except for NOT putting candied fruit in a mustard-flavored syrup, then eating it. They suck at that.

1) Mayonnaise – I am going to admit up front that mayo is a favorite, and much used, condiment of mine. It tastes good when it’s used as an ingredient for casseroles and dips, it’s even better when mixed with flaked tuna and pickles and onion and hard boiled egg, and it’s at its absolute best when it’s spread on a simple sandwich, letting its flavor accentuate and embolden everything it touches.

But here’s the thing: Mayonnaise is disgusting. Like, damn bone-chilling in its horror. Doubt me? Here’s what I want you to do: Make your way into a restaurant kitchen around 11pm on a Friday night. Watch as a tired waiter, tasked with restocking the expo line, takes an industrial sized, plastic jar of mayo and plorps… there’s no other word for it… a huge glob of mayo into an empty hotel pan. Try to maintain eye contact as it heaves out of the jar in gasping, farting slumps. Take in the SMELL of all that whipped fat. Your mouth will water at the tang it kicks off into the air, and you’ll hate yourself for it. Your stomach will tie itself into a reef knot. Oh god, the waiter got some on his hand and he just LICKED IT OFF.

LITTLE DROPLETS OF MAYO ARE SUSPENDED IN HIS MUSTACHE HAIRS.

I don’t feel out of line in saying that the scene I’ve just described is worse than anything that has ever appeared in a Faces of Death video.

And thus, the dichotomy of mayonnaise. Good. Evil. Necessary for deviled eggs. May we one day be forgiven for our sins.