Jeremy Renner as…
…the hair gel & body spray concierge at the Hotel de Venereal Disease.
Lady Gaga as…
…the art deco bride from a wedding cake topper that became empowered and married itself.
Jared Leto as…
…that time when Jesus took a break from being the Messiah and just waited tables at an event hall in New Jersey for like a year or so…. just him, Peter, and Judas… enough money in their pockets for brewskis, hoagies, and some gas to get them to the shore… not a care in the world… no commandments to preach… those were the days, man… those were the days…
Ryan Seacrest as…
…a cheerful marionette that got turned into a real boy, and, with the help of his magical talking cricket friend, weaseled his way into a production deal with the E! Network.
Lupita Nyong’o as…
…your girlfriend’s new fashion icon, which is a losing battle, as your girlfriend looks like literally the exact opposite of Lupita Nyong’o, which is to say a pasty Midwesterner who could pass for Alton Brown in a sundress.
Glenn Close as…
…the floor mat from a 1978 Dodge Charger.
Anne Hathaway as…
…a fierce elfin warrior deemed too insufferable for the new season of Game of Thrones.
Johnny Weir as…
…K.D. Lang’s ill-fated experimentation with glam rock.
Pharrell as…
…hip-hop’s Little Lord Fauntleroy out for a night on the town with his androgynous butler and several tubes of shin cream.
Liza Minnelli as…
…a Blue Meanie from Yellow Submarine that had its face pulled taught in an industrial accident.
zombie fights shark 